By: Dan Abramson
Christopher Columbus’s First Conversation Upon Landing in America
-There she is… India. It's as beautiful as I dreamed.
-Sir, I'm not too sure this is India.
-Nonsense. Shall I go grab us some curry?
-Mr. Columbus, if this is India where are the rubies? The jewels?
-You sure have a lot to learn. Look, there are the natives. I'm sure they can point us to a local curry shop.
-Their skin is a different color than had been described to us.
-Probably covered in red curry.
-Sir, that's ‘ kind of offensive.
-To who? They love curry. It's a compliment.
-They appear to be drawn towards our horses.
-Hi there!!! We just got off that boat. Umm, how do you say, umm… BOAT ‘Jeez. It's like they don't even speak English.
-…
-THE BOAT
-It seems they want to touch the horses. Maybe use that.
-Smart… IF WE GRANT YOU PERMISSION TO PET OUR HORSEYS, PERHAPS YOU COULD DIRECT SOME HUNGRY CHAPS TO YOUR LOCAL–
-Did he just die? Oh my god they're all dying.
-Well this sucks. I told like 30 people I'd bring them back some curry.
-Shall we go home?
-No. It'd be too embarrassing. Let's see how this plays out. YES. KEEP PETTING.