By: Dan Abromowitz

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13 Easy Ways To Be Sex-Positive

Wake up, people: it's 2013, and sex is more real than ever. It's time to start celebrating healthy sexuality in all its forms, so here's 13 easy tips to get you started!

  • Throwing an event? Put out a condom bowl, or put condoms in gift bags! Put condoms in the food and drinks. Hex your guests so condoms spill out of their mouths.

  • Dialogue with teens about healthy sex practices. Flag them down outside known teen hang-outs (funky diners) and yell sex tips you thought of on the drive over. Teens will listen.

  • Introduce marital aids, or ‘toys,” into the bedroom. Give them names like ‘Ol’ Wobbly” and ‘The Gooch.” Construct elaborate narratives and relationships between them. Kill them off, one by one. Who’s the killer? It was The Gooch all along.

  • Sex shouldn’t be silent, sex should be joyous! Whoop and holler during sex, the whole time.

  • Sex is a partner activity (remember: there’s no ‘me” in ‘mutual masturbation”) so respect your partner. Bow before beginning, and at the end, close their eyes by drawing your hands over their face. Always use proper honorifics.

  • Ask if your doctor is ‘sex-positive.” Scream, “How can a doctor treat me for sex when that doctor is sex-positive?” as the receptionist tries to explain no, that’s not how that works.

  • Be willing to take your own needs as seriously as your partner’s. Weigh how much you need to pee mid-act against how much your partner would prefer you to not pee mid-act.

  • Be honest and open about your masturbation habits. Raise a red flag from your roof when you’re masturbating. A potluck is a great way to get the word out.

  • Cyber sex is a great way to get comfortable with sexual vocabulary. Be sure to administer periodic Turing tests to your partner, though. When robots can breed with us, it’s all over.

  • Sex isn’t for everyone. Some folks are asexual (smooth and sexless, like a Barbie), and that’s okay; they will populate our gleaming utopian future.

  • Yes, feminist porn is out there, if you know how to find it! Light a candle and say ‘Gender Trouble” three times into a mirror. It’s regular porn but with no bras.

  • See sex as much as you feel it! Do it with the lights on. Observe from a safe emotional distance.

  • Take sex seriously. Do not tell jokes. Do not perform sleight-of-hand and three-card monte (or, ‘Find The Lady”). It’s just rude.

  • Don’t just take love, make love. If you have to, fake love.

  • Try gay stuff. Don’t be a pussy.

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