By: Alex Pearson
Handicapping All 32 NFL Teams at Midseason
As we arrive at the halfway point of the NFL season, it seems like a good time to assess the year so far and handicap each team moving forward.
New England Patriots– Blindness, Tom Brady. If there is one player who could develop a superhero-like sonar sixth sense, it’s Brady. Also, it might help highlight for him the underrated inner-beauty of Gisele.
Denver Broncos– Conjoined Siblings, Peyton Manning. Everyone wants to compare Eli and Peyton side-by-side. So let them. All the time. Just watch out for interference when they play each other, refs.
New York Giants– Gigantism, Team. It’s been a tremendously disappointing season so far, and a little more commitment to their team in all aspects could never hurt.
Pittsburgh Steelers– Alopecia, Troy Polamalu. It’s also been a relatively slow start for the usually strong Steelers. Maybe the glamorous life of being a Head & Shoulders spokesman has made someone soft.
New York Jets- Persecutory Delusional Disorder, Rex Ryan. Out of the blue, Rex Ryan falls under the false belief he is being tormented, spied on, and ridiculed by thousands of people, when in fact it is millions of people ridiculing him and only that one coach from New England spying on him.
Baltimore Ravens- Hermaphroditism, Joe Flacco. If this doesn’t make the man interesting, nothing will.
San Diego Chargers- Multiple Personality Disorder, Manti Te’o. Manti unknowingly dating Manti is the final twist we’ve been waiting for.
Carolina Panthers– Stephen Hawking Syndrome, Steve Smith. Nothing can silence this fiery competitor’s in-your-face trash-talking, and that should be entertaining.
Washington Redskins– Albinism, Team. The Washington Albinos? Even if it weren’t clinically accurate, it would still be a little less offensive
Cleveland Browns– Sloth from the Goonies Syndrome, Whoever the quarterback is. Don’t worry. No one is going to notice it– “It” of course referring to the Cleveland Browns.
Cincinnati Bengals– Sloth from the Goonies Syndrome, Andy Dalton. Okay. Okay. I researched the Cleveland Browns quarterback’s name. It’s Andy Dalton, and it looks like they prefer to be called the “Cincinnati Bengals.”
Chicago Bears- Mr. Glass Disease, Everyone other than Jay Cutler. Walk in someone else’s shoes before you criticize them.
Detroit Lions– Intermittent Explosive Disorder, Ndamukong Suh. On the spectrum of rage disorders, this one is a level below Being Ndamukong Suh. Baby steps.
Green Bay Packers- Gilbert Gottfried-Voice, Aaron Rodgers. If you are going to be in annoying commercials, go ahead and own it.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers- Patch-eye, Rian Lindell. Now during all those plays he’s not on the field kicking, he can step up and provide mascot duties, and all it will cost the Bucs is a few depth-perception related missed field goals.
New Orleans Saints– Multiple face-things, Drew Brees. If that thing is, as most suspect, the source of his quarterback powers, imagine the potential.
Oakland Raiders- Paraplegia, Team. If anyone is going to trick out some badass, Game of Thrones-looking medieval warrior wheelchairs, it’s going to be these guys.
Minnesota Vikings- The Plague, Team. Vikings did not wear horns. Vikings did not dress in all purple. Vikings did not live in Minnesota. This would give the team some much needed authenticity.
Atlanta Falcons- Bird Flu, Team. Was “Dirty Bird” supposed to bring to mind something other than filthy harbingers of disease? What you thought was dancing was some sort of symptomatic spasm.
Tennessee Titans- Whooping Cough, Team. A stern reminder that this disease and team still exist.
Buffalo Bills- Anterograde Amnesia, Stevie Johnson. He constantly has to check his set of tattoos to remind himself of things like which team he is on, and he is almost always disappointed.
Miami Dolphins- ADD, Team. It seems that the Dolphins’ glory years are a distant memory. But I have a feeling things are about to change now that they get two extra possessions on offense every game thanks to a doctor’s note.
Dallas Cowboys- Body-Swap, Team/Cheerleaders. In theaters next summer. You’re welcome, Hollywood.
Philadelphia Eagles- Hypertrichosis, Michael Vick. This excessive body hair condition made famous by people like JoJo the Dog-Faced Boy would be a belated but fitting curse for Vick until he learns to love a dog more than himself or something.
Houston Texans- Pituitary Disease, Team. Everything’s bigger in Texas.
Kansas City Chiefs- Deaf and Mute, Alex Smith. But maybe the Chief’s just faking it after the years of verbal abuse.
Arizona Cardinals– Old Age, Team. If they want to build the fan base, maybe these whippersnappers should try having something in common with the locals.
San Francisco 49ers- Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Colin Kapernick. Will anything slow this guy’s production down? Yes, the urge to do everything in 49’s, and a lot delay of game penalties.
Seattle Seahawks- Incontinence, Marshawn Lynch. The only way to take Beast Mode to the next level is diverting energy away from the body’s basic functions. Plus, adult diapers are in desperate need of a cool spokesman with a hip name like “Marshawn.”
St. Louis Rams- Tourette Syndrome, Sam Bradford. Would have been fun to give to Tebow, but Bradford is wholesome-seeming enough for this to be enjoyable.
Indianapolis Colts– Insanity, Andrew Luck. He just needs to drop the smile and go ahead and release whatever is going on behind that pair of crazy-eyes.
Jacksonville Jaguars– Jacksonville, Maurice Jones-Drew. Let’s not be cruel and add anything else to his existing condition.