By: Alex Watt
What to Do if You Don’t See a Bear
Know Your Bears
It’s impossible to say for sure that you don’t see a bear if you have no idea what one looks like. Bears rarely identify themselves as such, but you can usually tell that they’re one by their large stature, thick fur, sharp teeth, and–depending on how advanced they are–slightly askew fake mustache.
Maintain Your Distance
You might not see a bear now, but you’re going to want to stay as far away as possible anyhow. Since you don’t know where they are, your best bet is to simply avoid bear-friendly places like the woods and Mauled Eddies’ Free Honey Emporium.
Make Sure You’re Not Inside of a Bear
Light one of those huge matches that’s inexplicably on your person. Obviously, you can just use your lantern if you were holding one while a bear ate you.
Really Make Sure You’re Not Inside of a Bear
If you don’t see any defining characteristics of the inside of a bear (salmon bones, human bones with a ranger hat resting on top of the skull) after the second look of a double take, you’re most likely in the clear.
Make Yourself as Big as Possible
You did this. That’s right, YOU. YOU don’t see a bear and there is NO ONE on this planet who doesn’t see bears as well as YOU don’t.
Don’t Make Eye Contact
LEST THOU TAINT THY URSINE-FREE GAZE!
TEASE THE MERE MORTALS! THE WORLD IS YOUR THRONE! THERE IS NOT AN END TO YOUR RULE OR A BEAR IN SIGHT!
THIS IS A CELEBRATION! A CELEBRATION OF MAN’S CONQUEST OF BEAST! SCREAM! SHOUT! CHEER! Oh, and wait in silence for like ten seconds after doing so to see if any of that produces an echo, as it would if you were trapped inside of a bear’s stomach. At this point, it’s probably safe to say that you aren’t, but one can never be too careful when dealing with the possibility of being swallowed whole by a wild animal.
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