By: Pat O'Brien
A real-life mayoral election is happening today in New York City, and though to those who live there it feels like a mini-President is being chosen, the rest of the country couldn’t really give a shit and probably thinks Giuliani is still in office. The truth is, most of America doesn’t know or care who’s running, so we thought we’d present some fantasy candidates that we all can get behind.
The average American’s impression of New Yorkers essentially boils down to the famous quote from this movie, ‘You talkin’ to me?”, so might as well go all in on this one. Sure, he wouldn’t be great on gun control, what with all those pistol-slinger devices strapped beneath his mayoral sash but hey, we’d at least be entertained. He might even change the names of The Yankees and The Mets to ‘The Screwheads” and ‘The Fuckers” – and we can all agree that those would be incredibly fun games to listen to on the ol' car radio.
Wisdom? Check. Strength? How’s a ninja master sound to you? Relatability? Okay, fine, the fact that he’s a giant, talking, mutant rat would definitely freak people out…in any city BUT New York. New Yorkers are used to seeing rats every day, and if a regular, non-mayor sewer rat chewing on an old Tropicana carton doesn’t phase them, they certainly wouldn’t have a problem with a kind, well-spoken ninja rat-man in a nice suit appearing on their in-Taxi TV screens once in a while to talk about soda tax.
Okay, so he was mayor of Gotham, not New York, but this one just feels right, you know? Granted, he was an evil bird-mutant supervillain who bit off a reporter's nose but hey, Ed Koch was a little grumpy sometimes, too. That's why people loved him! Okay, so maybe the Penguin’s a bad idea but there’s something to that, right? How about this:
There we go! Can you imagine if Danny DeVito were mayor of NYC? Strutting around in matching tan suits with Arnold Schwarzenegger, sitting front row at the Matilda musical and heckling the shit out of the actor playing the dad…eating street vendor hot dogs out of the front pocket of this shirt? It would be a utopia!
Hey, why not? She came to life in Ghostbusters 2 and cleaned up the city by making the bad ghost-slime go away – and it didn’t cost taxpayers a penny because she used the power of love, an abundant natural resource. Plus, who could possibly be more qualified to run New York city than its own iconic statue? Liberty Island would become Governor’s Island, and whenever you heard the creak of distant steel and the faint echo of Jackie Wilson's ‘(Your Love Keeps Lifting Me) Higher and Higher”, you’d know that Mayor Liberty was about to give a speech. Oh, what, she couldn’t be mayor ’cause she’s a woman? Sexist. Or green? Racist. Or 73 feet tall? Size-ist. That kind of prejudice doesn’t fly in the Big Apple, pal.
Deep down, people love the steamy scandals provided to us by chronic sexaholic candidates like Eliot Spitzer and Anthony Weiner, and what better way to keep those juicy headlines flowing than by electing this dual-ticket of sex-crazed maniacs and putting them in a ritzy governor’s mansion in the heart of NYC? It would be The Real World, The West Wing and HBO’s Hookers At the Point all rolled into one! Hell, Bill Clinton’s got an office in Harlem, why not throw him into the mix and make it an ‘Original Kings of Sex Scandal’ all-star ticket?
Now hear me out, I know this is just the idea of an actor repeating a line from a movie and not an actual human being BUT is there anything more New York than this? Fuggedaboutit! (that's a NY joke for the NY Heads out there). The only better candidate would be a giant slice of Ray's Famous Pizza or the homeless man lucky enough to have a subway car all to himself.
You think you can beat that? Forget about it (and that's not a joke for the NY Heads out there, that’s the Goddamn truth).