By: Pat O'Brien

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An Email From Richie Incognito’s Mom With Some Topics To Avoid This Thanksgiving

From: Donna Incognito

To: The Incognito Family

Subject: Thanksgiving

Dear Incognito clan,

As you all know, our sweet baby boy, Richie, has had a rough couple of weeks at work. His Miami Dolphins teammate, Jonathan Martin, claims that Richie used physical threats and racial slurs in bullying him to the point of emotional breakdown. Richie, my perfect miracle, has already been through enough this year and the last thing I want is to further upset him by bringing up any of this unpleasantness at the dinner table. In addition to avoiding the subject of He-who-shall-not-be-named-but-is-probably-crying-like-a-puss-right-now, please DO NOT BRING UP anything having to do with:





the NFL


firestorms of controversy



breakups (nothing to do with Richie but Aunt Nora just went through one so be nice)

indefinite suspensions


passes (to say the N-word)

season passes (to say the n-word)

offensive lines

particularly offensive lines like ‘half n—– piece of s—“

words in general

Dolphins (the team)

dolphins (the animal)

anyone with the name Jonathan (which means the annual family viewing of I’ll Be Home for Christmas starring Jonathan Taylor Thomas is cancelled this year)


the turkey


call the turkey the n-word

threaten to ‘run a train” on the turkey’s sister

take the last drumstick because Richie loves drumsticks and we let Richie do whatever he wants because he’s my big, special boy and everything he’s ever done wrong is because of locker room culture.

P.S. – Look at this sweet picture I found of my precious cherub, Richie! Now, does this look like a boy who bullies another child to the point of breakdown by slamming their lunchtray and Trapper Keeper onto the ground and screaming “Incognito rules!” every single day for the entirety of the 5th grade? Of course not, this is his 4th grade picture.

[attachment: 1 image – mychubbymiracle1.jpg]


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