By: Brian Boone

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Things the PlayStation 4 Can and Cannot Do

The PS4 can ‘

  • allow you to play all the hot new games coming out this fall, including Aliens Are Coming Shoot Them Hurry!!, The Army Guys, and Sports.
  • devour whole your shameful PS3 before the guys come over to see your new PS4.
  • post your high scores online, because your right to do so is why your grandpa fought in that war.
  • read to you Proust’s In Search of Lost Time while you spend hours after hours controlling a guy who kills imaginary goblins with a sword.
  • go onto the Internet and order a pizza for you, if you think that’s a good idea.
  • cost $400.
  • be programmed to issue reminders, such as ‘stop playing every 16 hours to pee” or ‘make student loan payment.”

The PS4 cannot ‘

  • accommodate all PS1, PS2, and PS3 external accessories. Check the Sony website for more details.
  • play PS1 games. That copy of Crash Bandicoot your dad got you for your 14th birthday isn’t going to see the light of day anytime soon.
  • allow you to remotely play against your dad. Your dad is dead. You need to admit that, Ben. So you can begin the healing process.
  • I know you hadn’t spoken in years. I think that’s exactly why you’re having such a hard time grieving.
  • True, you never got to patch things up. Or even say goodbye. But that doesn’t mean you can’t do that now.
  • It's easy. Just say, ‘Dad, I forgive you, and I love you.”
  • Of course he can hear you.
  • Yes, you’re right. Things are never going to be the same. But what in life stays the same, you know?

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