Tom Cruise Becomes a Father

From: Janice Lee

To: Tom Cruise

Date: May 16, 2013 at 4:58pm

Subject: Your Recent Inquiry

Dear Mr. Cruise:

Thank you for your inquiry into the New Hope Fertility Clinic. You may schedule an appointment to donate any time between the hours 9am and 5pm, Monday to Friday.

We ask that you bring a valid, state-issued ID and copies of any documents of certification you wish to verify. It is important that you refrain from any sexual activity for three days before your appointment.

As per your question regarding compensation, there is no set rate; compensation is calculated based on a variety of factors, including what we currently have in stock in our storage facility.

Please direct any further questions to our help desk, which can be reached at: 800 555 7873

Thank you for your interest in New Hope Fertility Clinic, the San Fernando Valley leader in fertility services.

Janice Lee

Administration

P.S. You certainly have a very famous name!! I bet you get that a lot! You're probably tired of people asking if you're the actor Tom Cruise, so sorry to be annoying. ; )

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From: Janice Lee

To: Tom Cruise

Date: May 22, 2013 at 10:32am

Subject: RE: Your Recent Inquiry

Dear Mr. Cruise,

Thank you for following up with New Hope, though we urge you to call our help line at 800 555 7873 with any further questions you may have.

In case we were not clear in our previous email, all donations must take place at our facility where they can be handled properly by our team of professionals. Donors are not permitted to simply mail an unsolicited sample in a warm piece of tupperware.

And as we have already mentioned, proper identification is required for all donors. Here is a list of documents that qualify:

Driver's License

Any State-Issued ID Card

Social Security Card

Passport

As you may have noticed, a piece of masking tape on the tupperware with the words “The Top Gun's Legacy” in poor penmanship is not on that list.

Please make an appointment and we will gladly walk you through the process if you need more assistance.

Thank you,

Janice Lee

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From: Janice Lee

To: Tom Cruise

Date: May 25, 2013 at 1:18pm

Subject: Proper Protocol

Mr. Cruise,

I urge you to stop mailing us samples of semen in padded envelopes. You now have sent over 10 soup-sized tupperware containers and somewhere in the range of 10-15 ziplock bags, which were labeled “Round 2.” This is nothing more than a waste of our time and your time.

Furthermore, how are you even mailing these? They don't have any stamps or any sign of paid postage. I can only assume you're dropping them off personally and then leaving the premises. If you would just come inside, we would be happy to assist you.

And in regard to your note in which you asked about my ethnicity, yes, I am in fact Asian. I do not see what that has to do with anything.

Janice

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From: Janice Lee

To: Tom Cruise

Date: May 28, 2013 at 9:12am

Subject: RE: Proper Protocol

Please. Mr. Cruise. Stop. You sent us 40 pounds of samples, all stored in Chinese food containers that you drew hearts on.

And am I to understand that the scanned note below is an invoice for your “donations”?

Even if we were to pay you that ridiculous amount, without proper, or any, identification, we cannot verify that you are in fact, the real Tom Cruise.

Janice

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From: Janice Lee

To: Tom Cruise

Date: May 31, 2013 at 8:26am

Subject: RE: Proper Protocol

Mr. Cruise,

You sent us this photograph.

It is not a valid form of ID, nor does it actually prove you are Tom Cruise.

Janice

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From: Janice Lee

To: Tom Cruise

Date: June 2, 2013 at 8:13am

Subject: RE: Proper Protocol

Mr. Cruise,

You sent us this photograph.

While that actually does open the door to you being the actor Tom Cruise, there are strict rules and regulations we have to follow. And while we normally would be honored to have a film star of your caliber volunteering to help couples unable to conceive a child of their own, it is our wish to discontinue this relationship. We appreciate your interest in New Hope, but we have to ask you to take your services elsewhere.

Janice Lee

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From: Janice Lee

To: Tom Cruise

Date: June 2, 2013 at 8:17am

Subject: RE: Proper Protocol

Mr. Cruise,

No, we are not being “glib” in telling you the rules of our fertility clinic. We take our business very seriously and have been serving the community for over 30 years. If anything, it is you who is being glib.

Janice

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From: Janice Lee

To: Tom Cruise

Date: November 3, 2013 at 2:51pm

Subject: Your Donations

Mr. Cruise,

We have not received any official correspondence or donations from you in somemonths. I am not complaining. Office morale is slowly returning to the high level itwas at prior to your decision to conduct business with The New Hope Fertility Clinic.

But I have begun to feel guilty that we had pushed you away when your heart was in the right place. If you still wish to donate and help families in need, I will personally set you up with an appointment.

Janice Lee

Administration

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From: Janice Lee

To: Tom Cruise

Date: November 6, 2013 at 8:33am

Subject: RE: Your Donations

Dear Mr. Cruise,

Please don't send us any more pictures you have photoshopped of yourself giving birth to African-American children with the caption “I love black people.”

And your insistence that we have a duty to preserve your bloodline because you are the “last samurai” is, frankly, not our concern. Consider this your final correspondence with New Hope Fertility.

Janice Lee