The Twitter champ, author, and father was kind enough to shed some light on the best parenting practices.
How would you describe yourself as a father?
Really, really good. Only because parenting kids under 3 is easy, in the sense that if you screw up in any substantial way, they’ll die.
Debunk this standard parenting practice: giving your children a better life than you had.
That’s mayonnaise. Which is to say: that’s ridiculous. Did Abe Lincoln have an easy life? Coco Chanel? PolPot? If you want your kid to be great, you give them a garbage life.
What traits of yours do you want your kids to have?
I want my kids to have my oaken buttocks and powerful thighs. When I see a hill or a flight of stairs, I am confident that my beef machine will carry me effortlessly to the top.
What do you not want them to have?
I don’t want them tohave my deep-seated racism. Not a lot of people know I’m a racist because I play by the rules as I climb the rungs of fame’s ladder, but I hate race-mixing, racy song lyrics, foot races, you name it.
What physical attributes do you want your kids to inherit from your wife?
I hope my sons have full ample bosoms like their beautiful mother. I love my wife’s breasts and if my sons want me to love them, they will grow or otherwise acquire breasts like their mother’s.
What sex moves will you teach your kids when they’re ready?
The “Hold the Door for the Nice Lady,” the “Did You Get Your Hair Done?”, and the “CincinnatiShit Waffle.”
What extracurricular activity would you hope your kids do?
I’m a sportsman myself, so hopefully they’ll like sportsball, sporting around, and playing “Math Wand.”
How would you handle someone else disciplining your child?
That would be a-okay with me. My wife will tell you I’m terrified of conflict, so if a priest or SWAT team has ideas on how to keep my boys in line, be my guest.
What do you want your child to achieve by age:
10: Speak French, German, and Arabic fluently. I don’t have time for idiotson my payroll.
20: President of what remains of the United States. Slackers not welcome here.
30: Be an accomplished soap carver. I like to bathe and I love figurines. They should know that by now.
40: Be at least 6’6″ and 275 lbs. Size is power, and power is beef.
50: They should have mastered all of Chopin’s preludes by this point because I plan on dying promptly at 8pm on Friday, January 14th, 2052 and would like them to be played at my funeral as the galaxy struggles to define my legacy.
Illustration by Justin Bilicki