By: Funny Or Die
Have a Hot Dog Eating Contest
All done eating and wondering what to do now? There’s no better way to burn off a heavy Thanksgiving meal than with some vigorous physical activity, and there’s no activity more vigorous than a good, old-fashioned hot dog eating contest. You may not realize it, but while you’re packing away helping after helping of yams, gravy and stuffing, you’re actually training like a pro! That’s right, competitive hot dog eaters get into shape by slowly stretching out their stomachs, so by the end of Thanksgiving dinner, it’s only natural to put your athlete’s physique to the test – by laying out a plastic tarp, cooking up a few hundred wieners and seeing who choke back the most before dessert!
Have a Funeral for the Turkey
Thanksgiving is a time for celebration but it is also a time of mourning. Each year, millions of turkeys give their lives and their succulent flesh for us, their grateful, hungry masters. This year, do the right thing and give your turkey a proper funeral. First, take the carved-up carcass and and bury it in the backyard. If the ground is frozen, making digging a grave is too difficult, a burial at sea or in the garage garbage can will suffice. Next, each family member should go around and say a few kind words about the late bird’s juiciness, flavor and total poundage. If there are any vegetarians in the family, this would be a good time for them to explain how they could let an innocent turkey die in vain.
Tackle Too Hard During The Family Football Game
Nothing says family bonding than a group of aging, weak-bodied men and women throwing a football in the front yard. Spice things up by choosing one family member on the opposing team to feel the wrath of your pent-up family aggression. When you take down your Uncle/Dad/Stepfather/Over-Achieving Sibling/Aunt/Niece/Grandfather, make sure you hit them in the knees to prevent them from partaking in any future Turkey Bowls. Then scream “What? What?” when your other family members ask you “if you’ve lost your mind.”
Have a Key Party
What? There is literally nothing else that will get you closer with family members than the potential for exploring the limits of your sexual desires.
Question What You’re Doing With Your Life and If This is Really How You Thought It’d All End Up
After spending precious minutes explaining how social media works to each of your relatives who pulled you aside to tell you they “saw a video that Facebook made,” look off into space and let this question pop into your mind: “How Did I Get Here?” Yes, it’s the defining lyric in Talking Heads’ “Once in a Life Time” but its an apt question to ask yourself when staring the down the people that you’re stuck with for the rest of your life. Hell, you may have even married into this family, so it’s actually a result of your own decision making, prompted by years and years and poor judgment that led to this moment. For full effect, actually play the Talking Heads song during the meal and when the line “same as it ever was” repeats, push your plate away and stare at the middle of the table, without blinking. When the song ends, ask to be excused and sit in the car til the rest of your family is ready to leave.
Starting to feel like a nap's in order after filling your belly full of delicious tryptophan? Well, shake off those sleepy desires and challenge your underemployed Uncle Chuck to a good, old-fashioned fist fight, because everyone knows that nothing says “family fun-time” or “I love you” more than a swift, full-powered punch to the teeth. (It's true! Ask any doctor.) And the best part of family fist fights? Everyone can play! Just set up a simple tournament bracket with four divisions: Men, Women, Kids and Olds. Then after setting some basic ground rules (examples: no nut shots, don't bleed on Mom's rug, etc), get ready to knock out Grandma's teeth, assuming, of course, that she doesn't take them out before the fight even begins. It's non-stop, black-eyed fun!
Casually Tell Everyone “You’re Gonna Head Out”
At half-time of the second football game, stand-up, button those sweatpants and casually say to your mom, “You know, it's starting to get late, I think I'm gonna head home.” Don't be startled if you get some initial backlash. (Face it, your mom will not want you to leave.) Soon enough, eyes all around the room will light up, as everyone will be clamoring to play this great, all-ages game. But don't worry, phrases like “The kids are starting to get tired, plus we need to get to bed early if we're gonna be at Best Buy at 5am,” are not a direct ticket to the exit door. Nope, you can comfortably settle in for a couple hours worth of hugs, kisses, packed leftovers, general well-wishes, and even a few “we should get together more oftens.” Heck, it could take all night! Eventually, though, you WILL get out of there ‘ and with a delicious slice of pumpkin pie under each arm.
Play the Funny or Die Board Game
Okay, guys, full disclosure: we don’t endorse any of the activities mentioned in this list. Except Turkey Funeral and Key Party. But those are no-brainers and you probably did not even need us to tell you to do those because it’s not like this is your first Thanksgiving. We DO recommend this one. And not just because it’s made by Funny or Die. But because it’s legitimately fun. Yes, we’re biased as our name is on it, but you know what? Fun is fun. Deal with it. It’s likely the most fun you’ll have this Thanksgiving outside of Key Parties, but that’s kind of like a metaphor for life (FULL DISCLOSURE: We don’t understand metaphors and/or key parties).