By: Dashiell Driscoll
Dear Brothers and Sisters of the Westboro Baptist Church,
First, I hope you all had a great Thanksgiving. Whether you picketed outside of your family’s dinner, or picketed outside of a soup kitchen that feeds the homeless, I pray that you made the most of this opportunity to tear people apart as they try to come together.
Which brings me to the reason I’m writing you today: We have decided to picket Paul Walker’s funeral. Was this an easy decision? Yes, absolutely. We didn’t even really spend any time making it. But we don’t show up to just any cemetery with hateful signs, so let me outline the reasons this guy deserves it:
FACT: Paul Walker flew to Chile in 2010 to help injured citizens after a devastating earthquake. Just disgusting.
FACT: Later in 2010, Paul Walker flew to Haiti with his humanitarian aid team Reach Out Worldwide to lend a hand after their horrible earthquake. Did he help by waving signs around and berating grieving children? No. Clearly he knows nothing about God.
FACT: Reach Out Worldwide helped rebuild Alabama after it was ravaged by tornadoes in 2011. Paul Walker personally bought $15,000 of power tools then had his friends drive his own pickup truck, filled with gear, from Burbank to Tuscaloosa. Jesus was a carpenter, but that’s pretty much where the similarities end on this one.
FACT: On the eve of his death, Paul Walker was leaving a charity event for Reach Out Worldwide that was benefiting victims of a recent typhoon in the Philippines. Despicable right until the end.
This was truly a disgraceful and self-absorbed Hollywood life he lived, and we must shame his friends and family who show up to mourn his passing. It’s all summed up in a very snazzy image Jim from marketing whipped up for our social media channels. You’ll notice it incorporates our new #PicketFuneral hashtag.
Yes, that image is completely real and a thing we actually posted. Also, Jim from marketing? Great job on the #PicketFuneral hashtag! I really feel like we’re reaching a younger, more tech-savvy audience with a bright future of ambiguous and misguided hatred ahead of them. Let’s disregard the fact that trying to use #PicketFuneral seamlessly in a sentence makes us sound like illiterate robots. The fact is it manages to lack substance while being uncomfortably abrasive, and that’s what we’re all about here at WBC.
So let’s get out there and really shove it in the face of everyone who knew him personally! This is a very worthwhile picket for a soul who deserves it, and it’s definitely not a tired and pathetic ploy to get cheap media coverage to remind people that our spineless, piece of shit, heinously loathsome group still exists. May God be with you.