By: Paul Gale

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14 Foods Guys Should Be Having Sex With Right Now

1. Nutella


Make love to this viscous chocolate hazelnut spread, which goes great on French bread ‘ and even better around your junk.

2. Cheesecake


Nothing complements this dairy-based pecker pillow better than male genitalia. We could all benefit from a little time at the Cheesecake Fucktory.

3. Bagel


This European bread product is evolutionarily designed for a hunk of man meat. For those looking to replicate the scent of a one night stand, lox is recommended 😉

4. Gazpacho


Few are brave enough to go to town on bisques and chowders, but this food ‘ which means “cold soup” in Latin ‘ is the just the right temperature for fucking. I should know; I’m currently seeing a 16 oz. bowl.

5. Cronut


Cronut, which stands for cock donut, was designed by Dominique Ansel, the Emeril Lagasse of porkable pastries. Once you experience its layered texture, you’ll know exactly why bachelors line up for this trendy treat as early as 6:00AM.

6. Raspberry


Sometimes it feels good to destroy the thing you’re having a go with, and raspberries, one of Mother Nature’s most fragile fruits, becomes an absolute mess when you ram yourself against it.

7. Activia Yogurt


As a breakfast food, this is for women. But for fucking, this is for MEN.

8. Fat Free Velveeta After Being Microwaved For Eight Seconds On High


Chalk up the specifics of this high-calorie lay to a 2:00 AM Munchie Miracle. And before you tear me a new asshole in the comments for recommending Fat Free, let me remind your dumb asses of the cardinal rule when bagging chicks: No Fatties. (Only mine.)

9. Eggroll From Two Tuesdays Ago


Everything tastes better the morning after. And this cylindrical Chinese food’s perfect for a roll in the hay, because by the time your refractory period is over, you’ll be hungry for more. More fucking, that is.

10. Two Pringles In A Duck Beak Formation With A Glob Of Butter In Between


Everyone made this mallard mouth during lunchtime in 3rd grade. Why not just lube it up and call it a day?

11. Bratwurst


Sex isn’t only about putting your stuff in things. Sometimes, it’s about putting stuff inside YOU. This German sausage is the perfect dagger for your prostate, a man’s pleasure center.

12. Sponge Cake


A man’s life is a journey. He spends every waking moment of his existence fighting, searching, clawing the corporate ladder. Silently begging for that raise. Hiding his natural form behind tight suits and restrictive ties. Sponge cake is a good thing to pretend to have real sex with.

13. A Medley Of Vegetables In The Shape Of Diane


We’ve been talking a lot about fruit, but so many veggies are good for sexing. Celery, hollowed out carrots, onion rings…I could go on until my fingers literally fall off. So go ahead and create the perfect combination of crunchy, hydrating, nutritious vegetables. And if you accidentally construct it in the image of the only woman who would respond to you on OKCupid in the fourteen months since you joined the site, no harm no foul ‘ just do not text Diane selfies of yourself crying next to it at 4:00AM on a Wednesday.

14. A Cracker


I don’t know, man. I’m sad.

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additional writing: adam lapetina, zack phillips, + hanna wellish

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