By: Pat O'Brien
The Sharper Image Soothing Massage Drone ‘
Your product’s back is gently massaged while en route, leaving it relaxed, rejuvenated and ready to use.
PetCo's Puppy Express ‘
Your product is strapped to the back of a dog, which is then slapped forcefully on its hindquarters and instructed to “‘git!“. If you should order a dog, that dog will then be strapped to the back of a different dog of equal or lesser value.
The Barnes & Noble Nathan ‘
The Walmart Employee Lock-In Box ‘
For every product ordered from Walmart.com, a Walmart employee will be forcibly stuffed into the box to keep an eye on the item and ensure its safe delivery. Walmart avoids hefty overtime costs by recruiting or “capturing” off-the-clock employees on their way to their cars at night, passing the savings on to you. (Insurance available for certain packages but not for employees)
SkyMall FreeFall ‘
Staples Toner Drones ‘
Acknowledging that the main reason anyone visits their store is for replacement toner cartridges, big-box office supplier Staples will begin deploying tiny, ink-filled drones to refill toner cartridges in customers' home or office printers. The “Toner Drones ‘” will then blast a hole in the side of any HP or Lexmark printer, inserting their teeny-tiny toner hoses into the blast wound and pumping it full of your favorite name brand toner.
RadioShack’s Pretty Good Throw ‘ Service
A large man will throw your order as hard as he can in your general direction.
(Not availale on windy days or if man is tired)