By: Pat O'Brien

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7 Amazon Prime Air Drone Competitors

The Sharper Image Soothing Massage Drone ‘


Your product’s back is gently massaged while en route, leaving it relaxed, rejuvenated and ready to use.

(May strangle certain tense-looking birds)

PetCo's Puppy Express ‘

Your product is strapped to the back of a dog, which is then slapped forcefully on its hindquarters and instructed to “‘git!“. If you should order a dog, that dog will then be strapped to the back of a different dog of equal or lesser value.

(Not responsible for dogs that are lost, euthanized or adopted in transit)

The Barnes & Noble Nathan ‘

Nathan1.jpgNathan, a guy who hangs out and reads Anime books at Barnes & Noble’s Rochester, NY location, will borrow his mom’s car* and drive your product to your home for free (plus cost of gas and smokes).
*If she’s not using it – which she barely does since she’s still on disability for her leg

The Walmart Employee Lock-In Box ‘

For every product ordered from, a Walmart employee will be forcibly stuffed into the box to keep an eye on the item and ensure its safe delivery. Walmart avoids hefty overtime costs by recruiting or “capturing” off-the-clock employees on their way to their cars at night, passing the savings on to you. (Insurance available for certain packages but not for employees)

SkyMall FreeFall ‘

FreeFall1.jpgBrowse the SkyMall catalog while traveling on any commercial flight and make your product selection. A flight attendant will then toss a dozen or so of the selected item out of the aircraft and kick you hurtling after them. Keep whatever you’re able to grab on the way down.
(Upgrade to FreeFall Premium for parachute and complimentary sleep mask)

Staples Toner Drones ‘

Acknowledging that the main reason anyone visits their store is for replacement toner cartridges, big-box office supplier Staples will begin deploying tiny, ink-filled drones to refill toner cartridges in customers' home or office printers. The “Toner Drones ‘” will then blast a hole in the side of any HP or Lexmark printer, inserting their teeny-tiny toner hoses into the blast wound and pumping it full of your favorite name brand toner.

(Caution: May destroy certain toaster ovens if mistaken for printers)

RadioShack’s Pretty Good Throw ‘ Service

LargeMan1.jpgA large man will throw your order as hard as he can in your general direction.

(Not availale on windy days or if man is tired)

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