By: Dan Abramson

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The Only 3 Christmas Apps You’ll Ever Need

With so many apps to download this holiday season, let us be your guide. Here are the three must-have apps:

Christmas Conversation Generator

What It Is:

Love your family, but hate talking to them? You’re not alone. CCG is a simple app that makes your yuletide conversations even simpler. Your cable news-addicted uncle yapping your ear off about how Obama's background is “still a mystery”? No problem. Just select the 'Bigoted Uncle' option and CCG takes care of the rest. New in the latest update: conversation generators for recently-divorced-relatives’ new significant others.

What they’re saying in the App Store:

JenDamme – 5 Stars

Great app! I loved how I didn’t have to engage with my Aunt, but at the end of the day she thought I cared about her opinions on the The Newsroom.

DRockGunner – 5 Stars

Haha my family sucks

StaceyHealey – 1 Star

This app is the worst. When I spoke to my grandmother, it kept giving me lines that were clearly meant for my estranged father. And because she can’t hear, I screamed lines like ‘I never want to see you again” and ‘You better have a good reason for showing your face here.” She died three days later and that was our last conversation.

Santa Clausr

What It Is:

From the makers of Grindr, Santa Clausr helps you find gay, horny Santas in your area. It scans nearby malls for Chris Kringles to meet up after work for anonymous sex.

What They’re Saying in the App Store:

Kev1000 – 5 Stars

Wow, I’m fucking so many Santas, it’s insane!

RickWillyStyle – 3 Stars

I want to give this app a 5 star review, based on the amount of sexual encounters I’ve had with men who work as mall santas, but recently it seems like I’ve been sleeping with men who may not actually be working as part-time santa clauses. Pretty sure they’re just elderly, bearded men who got confused about which app they downloaded.

Jaxxon – 5 Stars

I’ve never slept with as many santas as I have since I began using this app. Some may have been men at a retirement home and not santas but that’s neither here nor there.

Greg_Spiller – 2 Stars

I run a retirement home and as recently as a few months ago, men dressed as Santa Claus began entering our facility and having sex with our residents. The only reason I give it 2 stars is because it’s the most fun our community has had in years.

Jew or Not a Jew

What It Is:

Perfect for the office, this app is to be used on colleagues of unclear faith, for those times you’re not sure if you should be wishing them a Merry Christmas. Simply hold your phone up to their face while they talk for imaging and audio analysis. Jew Or Not a Jew will inform you of the subject’s religion with a 60 percent accuracy.

What They’re Saying in the App Store:

SammySweets – 2 Stars

Wayy buggy. When I held this up to my manager’s face during my review, it hit a glitch and just kept saying ‘Jew Jew Jew Jew Jew.” Usually it just says it once. Please fix this.

Paul Mackenzie – 4 Stars

I don’t like having to talk to Jews, so I never liked the UI that required me to stand in front of them and engage them. So it should go without saying that I LOVE the new feature that lets you round them up into one part of the office and take one photo that analyzes all of them.

Ben Hirsch – 5 Stars

Love it! Great app! I like to know if I'm speaking to other Jews before I start letting my guard down and talking about my fears, and the yellow Star of Davids it puts on all the Jews makes it as clear as day. Use it all year. Not just Christmas.

App Design by Nate Maggio

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