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The Most Common Ways for Elves to Die
Think it’s dangerous to catch King Crabs in the frigid waters off the coast of Alaska? It is, asshole. You know what else is dangerous? Working as an elf. You’re employed a few weeks out of the year, under terrible conditions, for a crazy man who pays you nothing, who barely turns on the heat, who then makes you dance on the ice for him, as he sips his spiked eggnog, cackling.
What we’re saying is that elves die on the job all the time. It’s a miserable, horrible life, not nearly as glamorous as the National Geographic documentaries portray.
What follows are the most common manners of Elf Demise (not including the elf hate-crimes that so frequently occur in rural areas):
Figgy pudding overdose
Being found dead in North Pole flophouse, surrounded by 11 crack pipers piping
Cancer of the ornament
Killed by jealous girlfriend in murder-suicide after discovery of another woman’s curly-toed slippers
High-speed texting-while-sleighing
Consuming a fatal mixture of Pop Rocks and Coke (and meth)
Same reason all those Chinamen die all the time at the Apple iPad factory. Overwork?
Trapped beneath a snowdrift on Gumdrop Mountain, being eaten alive by ravenous elf friends
Sharing of infected ornament hooks
Choking on vomit due to eggnog poisoning ( ‘Freshman Elf” hazing incident)
Dick cancer
Eating a poinsettia to impress the lil’ elf dames
Gutted by Blitzen
Passing a kidney coal
Killed in a hail of bullets during a sugarplum deal gone sour
Tragically caught in caf ‘ bomb blast after moving to Israel to study the Talmud
Drinking too many thimbles of gooseberry cider, then wrapping Subaru Impreza around a goddamn telephone pole
Crushed to death beneath a loose skid of overstocked Pogs
Infection from ingrown toenails caused by curled-toe boots
Autoerotic asphyxiation with a Slinky
Air embolism caused by blowing into elf vagina during elf cunnilingus
Jingling only part of the way
Have you seen that documentary Zoo? Instead of horse, think reindeer.
Victims of illegal “Elf Fighting” ring
Candy cane in the urethra (North Pole ICU sees this thing all the time)
OD’ing on a bad batch of Moroccan myrrh
Just died. Who gives a shit how?
