By: Brandon Scott Wolf

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5 Reasons Why Your Cat is Going to Have a Better New Year’s Eve than You


After your cat eats an entire can of delicious tuna that you left out for him he will perch himself atop your living room couch to digest his meal and lay about for a while. As for yourself you’ll be finishing an extremely small steak dinner at a 4-star restaurant that won’t leave you or your wallet full.


While your cat gleefully plays with his favorite scratching post you’ll be keeping an eye on your drunk friend Monica who had way too many SoCo shots and glasses of Champagne. Monica will be crying a lot over a toilet while repeatedly saying how she ruined New Year’s (for a second year in a row) and you’ll have to hold her hair and reassure her that she won’t be alone forever and that she didn’t ruin the night even though she totally did. As an added bonus, this will all be happening around 8 p.m.


If you’re celebrating indoors then you’re definitely going to be watching “New Year’s Rockin’ Eve with Ryan Seacrest.” That’s just how things go on New Year’s. Meanwhile, your cat will be enjoying his night sleeping comfortably on your bed because he is completely unaware of the social norm of having to watch Pitbull perform in Times Square.


One of the more nerve-racking parts of the night will be finding someone to kiss at midnight and while you’re spending your entire evening looking for that special person your cat will be busy hanging out in a small hammock in your kitchen because your cat isn’t an anxious wreck. He also doesn’t have a firm understanding of the concept of time. And forget about kissing because your cat has no idea what that is.


But you will.

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