Every Networking Email You’ve Ever Sent

Dear [second-tier family friend / disinterested success story / mom’s dance classmate’s brother’s son who’s only like a year farther out of college than you],

My name is [your name], and I’m a recent graduate of [your school] with a degree in [your unemployable major] and a minor in [your soon-to-be-snuffed passion / a Hail Mary towards professionalism]. I was directed your way by [your parents, give or take a few degrees of separation], who suggested I get in touch with you about [how you've been temping so goddamn long you're forgetting what fresh fruit tastes like]. I hope you don’t mind that I looked you up on LinkedIn ‘ your experience in [field] is truly impressive, and your [profile picture / jawline / aquiline nose] is [striking / captivating / alluring].

Having recently moved to [a waterstained shoebox in a bloated city that would barely take notice if you up and died on public transit / your childhood bedroom], I was wondering if you might be able to spare some time to speak with me about opportunities in, and avenues into, [surviving until Christmas]. I would be happy to come by your office, or we could grab [coffee / drinks / dinner / oysters / a hotel room] and [just see where the evening takes us / get {busy / sweaty / nut-‘n-rutty / rooty-tooty-fresh-‘n-fruity}].

On a related note, I’ve no doubt that someone of your professional caliber has a truly [sumptuous / bangin’] [apartment / townhouse / soundproof office / velvet dungeon]. I’d certainly love to take a [“]tour,[“] your schedule permitting, of course. Please don’t let me impose, unless you [prefer that sort of thing 😉 / straight up on that fifty shades tip].

For a sense of my professional background, I’ve attached my r ‘sum ‘, as well as a [packet of inapplicable sample work / surreptitiously touched-up letter of recommendation / powerpoint of spectacular nudes] for you to peruse at your leisure. I can also provide further [materials / nudes / hair] at your request. I am [utterly at your beck and call, you beautiful bloodsucking bitch / real horned up on networking / turgid].

If you'd prefer to speak sooner, you can reach me at [your phone number]. I am especially available [in the dead of night]. Feel free to call me [in the dead of night]! I am also reachable on [Skype / Google+ / SnapChat]. If you call [my name aloud] I'll [be there in minutes], and I'm [not fucking joking]. I would love for us to [spend every waking moment / eternity] [inside each other]. I [swear God] I'll [kill anyone who stands in our way].

P.S. For my own peace of mind, would you confirm you received this email? My attachments don't always make it through spam filters.

[P.P.S. Check your mail, I’m sending my nipple.]