By: The Dennis System
4 People Who Can’t Say “New Year, New Me” in 2014
Kanye West
With the recent eruption in numerous interviews and declaration of independence from the fashion powerhouse, Nike; Kanye West is literally the most ungrateful person on earth. Kanye’s ignorance thrives in all facets of his life, from his love interest to his work. I knew he was a lost cause when he said assertively in an interview with the Breakfast Club that Kim Kardashian, his fianc ‘e, deserves a Hollywood star. In what world does a home video qualify you to make the cut for entertainment’s Hall of Fame? Even films as shitty as Spring Breakers require a $12 admission price. To find Kim’s breakthrough film all you need is a computer, box of tissues, half a bottle of lotion, and 30 minutes. By that ideology, Monica Lewinsky should have at least been Secretary of State. I could go on and on about Kim’s worth, or lackthereof, just because after 10 seasons of Keeping up with the Kardashians I still haven’t determined what they actually do. But it is Kanye’s egotistical behavior steering his own career. After a dispute over the release of the third edition of his own shoe line with Nike he chose to leave the company and take his talents to Adidas. He explained his reasons for leaving with repeated use of the phrase, “We have fallen slaves to brands.” I’m sure if slaves were inked to a multi-million dollar deal then we would never have Django. The slight possibility that Kanye could retain his reputation in 2014 quickly vanished when he finished his interview saying, “I’mma be bigger than Wal-Mart,” HOW KANYE? They have like 30 isles?!
Justine Sacco
Justine wishes she shut down her electronic devices two minutes earlier as she boarded her flight to Africa. The PR executive for the media company IAC tweeted, “Going to Africa. Hope I don’t get AIDS. Just kidding. I’m white!” Well Justine, I hope a mosquito leaves Magic Johnson’s house and flies straight to your lonely apartment. She’s likely to be there because following the whole Twitter debacle Justine was fired as IAC said her comments didn’t represent the views or image of their company. I beg to differ. HOW DID YOU NOT SEE THAT SHE WASN’T FUNNY AT ALL? Bypassing the whole racial aspect of Justine’s incident, I would at least hope she would go down for a funnier joke. Although her timing was impeccable if her goal was to build up a certain reputation. During Justine’s 12-hour flight to Africa, her audience grew exponentially, jumping her Twitter up from 500 followers to 4k in a matter of hours while the Save the Children campaign sulks at a mere 148 followers. What type of shit is this? She’s one of those people I would hope gets kidnapped in a plane hijacking. Partially because of me being black, more so because that tweet was just ignorant. The only remains of Justine Sacco are numerous screenshots and a lingering story. In other words, she won’t be one of the many that find a new career in the New Year.
Amanda Bynes
“I want @Drake to murder my vagina” is the tweet that brought the child star, Amanda Bynes, back into the public eye. Well Ms. Bynes, you’ve done a great job murdering your own career. The young, beautiful 13-year-old star of the television series The Amanda Show and All That used to have grown men aroused as they watched Nickelodeon with their children. Think about how many times your male babysitter had to cover up his hard-ons with your play toys. But in 2013 Amanda Bynes flooded the news with her new, coke-induced image that would lead her down a dark, Courtney Love ‘like path. Beginning with Bynes’ infatuation with the hip-hop artist Drake, she would openly tweet her intentions out to the public. I guess she doesn’t believe in DMs. Except, to play devil’s advocate, there are millions of blonde, white women who are open about their desire to be inseminated with Drake’s bi-racial babies.
Now we can’t even recognize Amanda, literally. Her plastic surgery, that she claimed was necessary, has brought a new personality and look to the What I Like About You alum:
“I was born with a webbing in between my eyes. That was a birth defect that I had surgically removed! ‘ “I consider myself to be a hero to have suffered 27 years with a birth defect and to just now have it surgically removed.”
What the fuck is webbing between your eyes? Do you mean your nose? A human being has to be going through some difficult shit to compare themselves to characteristics reminiscent of an amphibian. After numerous surgeries, Bynes complemented her new face with a couple of cheek piercings and brightly colored wigs. Congratualtions: You are now black.
Following Bynes court case for starting a gasoline fire in a stranger’s driveway, she was committed into rehab. As of last month, she is enduring outpatient treatment after being diagnosed with schizophrenia; so Penelope Taynt was the real deal. I’m happy she is getting her life back on track but the New Year marks Bynes’ exile from Hollywood.
Rob Ford
“I didn’t lie. I don’t smoke crack, I haven’t smoked crack in over a year.”
– Rob Ford, Mayor of Toronto
“No, I’m not in any alcohol treatment program, I’m not in any drug treatment program. I have a weight issue. I’ve been training every day.”
– Rob Ford, Mayor of Toronto
“I made mistakes, I drank too much, I smoked some crack sometimes. What can I say? I made a mistake, I’m human.”
– Rob Ford, THE FUCKING MAYOR OF TORONTO
Why Rob Ford won’t be able to start over in 2014 is pretty self-explanatory. The Mayor of Toronto is more of a criminal than the bandits in his city. He bought from the drug dealers that the police officers fought so hard to get off the streets ‘ essentially he backed the crime of Toronto. But guess what? Rob Ford not only refused to resign from his position as mayor but he is running for re-election! If you live in Toronto you’re doomed. Pack your shit and head south. Yes, there is like a 60% higher chance of death in the U.S., but our city Mayors aren’t Frank Booth. Ford is less apologetic than Chris Christie as he attributes this mistake to being human. This sounds like a Family Guy episode but much, much worse being that in real life an entire city is run by a man battling the ailments of hallucinations, paranoia, intense drug cravings, panic, and psychosis. But crack cocaine does leave users with a loss of appetite, so Rob Ford might be killing two birds with one stone ‘ he’s managed to lose weight and a career with one hit of a pipe.
