The Top 20 Things I’ve Cried At In The Last Week Since Getting Dumped Last Week
20 THRU 11! We'll Be Counting Down!
20. Cup of Coffee
19. Pictures of Two People Together
18. Can of Artichokes Because I Dropped It on The Floor
17. Something The Character “Cam” Said on The TV Show “Modern Family”
16. My Own Hair
15. It's Time to Pay The Utilities Again
14. This Exaggerrated Doom-Filled Article I Read on The Internet about Giant Radioactive Squid and Their Ultimate Significance as World Enders (Note: I Have Later Realized This Article Was Fake. Still, The Pain Is Real.)
13. The Pet Store by My House (This One Has No Explanation. But It Also, Unfortunately, Feels Real.)
12. The Man I Loved Used to Tell Me That My Watch Smelled Like Me. And Now I Can't Stop Smelling It Because I Am Convinced It Smells Like Poop.
11. Stepping on An Already Dead Pigeon While Already Crying.
10 THRU 1! This is The Second Part of This Terrible List.
10. Running into A Tree Branch Even Though I Saw It Before I Ran into It.
9. There's This Old Man Who Lives by My House Who Walks Around with A Baby Carriage and Inside The Baby Carriage Is A Very Old, Very Fat Pug. Usually, That's A Fun Thing. Today, No.
8. A Skirt Was on The Floor. Tripped on It, Fell Down.
7. The Cat That Lives at My House Keeps Looking at Me And I Want to Push It Over but It Only Has Three Legs so Then I Feel Bad for Wanting to Push It Over.
6. Drank Expired Milk! Thought It Tasted Fine!
5. Heard Roommate Having Sex but There Was No More Cake Left to Eat While I Listened.
4. Tiny Bird. I Saw A Tiny Bird.
3. Last Night for Dinner, I Had A Homemade Creation I Called A “Pizza Potato”.
2. That Documentary about Whales Having Feelings. You Know That One.
1. Spent Most of My Time Today Inside a “Dirty Bachelorette Section” of a Party Store Called “Let's Party Tonight”. (I Bought A Sash So I Could Have It for Later. I Do Not Know a Bride-to-Be.)