By: Dan Abramson
Percy Harvin, WR Seahawks: A dynamic talent, Harvin can take over the game with one touch but can also be sent to the emergency room if someone breathes too heavily on him.
Marshawn Lynch, RB Seahawks: Large, bruising running back known for “Beast Mode,” a break Lynch takes during the fourth quarter to watch a VHS of Beauty and the Beast with coach Pete Carroll.
Louis Vasquez, RG, Broncos: Not really sure what to say about an offensive lineman but trust us, he’s an offensive lineman.
Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie, CB, Broncos: Despite easily having the longest name in the Super Bowl, surprisingly has the shortest penis.
Richard Sherman, CB, Seahawks: Perhaps you’ve heard of him! Sherman recently made headlines by being a confident black man who white people have trouble accepting. Like Jaden Smith.
Demaryius Thomas, WR, Broncos: Explosive and big, he’s what Rodgers-Cromartie aspires to be, even though the ladies claim it’s not that big of a deal.
Wes Welker, WR, Denver Broncos: A dependable receiver over the middle, Welker has the benefit of being an adorable wind-up toy that feels no pain and will murder any man his coach tells him to.
Tom Brady, QB, Patriots: Technically not playing in the Super Bowl, but is still worth watching as he’s likely spending the night making sweet, passionate love to his supermodel wife. You like watching that, don’t you? Yeah. Yeah, you do.
Russell Wilson, QB, Seahawks: In only his second year, the young star is the product of the merger between companies Russell Athletic and Wilson Sporting Goods. The quarterback can be purchased at any local Sports Authority or Modell's.
Peyton Manning, QB, Broncos: A household name, made famous by his connection to best friend, Papa John, as well as his notoriously medium-sized penis.