‘Girls’ For Guys: Episode 5 Recap (SUPER BOWL EDITION)

If you're a guy in your 20s and you have a girlfriend, chances are she's tried to rope you into watching (and talking about) that show Girls on HBO. We know what you're thinking: “Naw dude, that's a chick show”. Don't panic, because we’re playing wingman to all our fellow bros out there with this handy, “for-guys-only” guide to Girls, where we break down last night’s episode in terms even the manliest of dudes can understand.

Since all self-respecting bros were watching the Big Game last night, this week’s recap is especially helpful. And if you start to feel self-conscious, we’ve added in some key Super Bowl-related words and phrases to keep you firmly anchored to your masculinity throughout.

Season 3, Episode 5: “Only Child”

It starts with the main chick at her boss’s funeral or some shit. No homo but I’m pretty sure the dude was gay. But then they meet the dude’s wife and are all like “Whoa, I thought he was gay. No homo.” Anyway, the main chick, Hannah, finds out that all the dead gay dude’s book projects, including hers, are being dropped. Seahawks. She tries (like any self-respecting business major would) to do a little networking by asking the widow for potential leads on new publishers, to which the widow replies “If I do give you another name, will you get the fuck out of here?” Yikes. Manning choked. Looks like people outside of her inner circle are starting to take note of Hannah’s selfishness. Safety on the first play.

Meanwhile, Shoshanna, the annoying chick, tells Jessa, the British chick, to be quiet while she’s studying for business school (respect). Apparently Shosh’s GPA has been slipping since she embarked on her recent path of youthful experimentation. MVP Malcolm Smith.

Back at casa de Hannah (Main Chick), Adam (the jacked dude) and his sister are at each other’s throats again. Things escalate quickly, and Adam’s sister even says he’s just mad because he secretly wants to fuck her. No homo but yeah right, girlfriend. You wish. Broncos abysmal defense.

But that’s not all. Joe Namath’s fur coat. Marnie, in some cuckoo attempt to better herself, drops in on Ray and asks him to tell her “what’s wrong with her”. Um, how time you got, hon? Malcom Smith slam dunking over the goal post. Ray obliges and gives it to her straight: she’s judgmental, uptight, petty and phony ‘and then he just plain gives it to her. Peyton do bad. That’s right, Ray, fresh off his breakup with Shoshanna (and who looks really cute in his little basketball shorts, btw) and Marnie, fresh off her breakup with REALITY, have awkward sex on the kitchen table. Anthony Keidis. Ray tells Marnie to keep this on the “DL”, to which Marns replies “Go f ‘ yourself. Like I’d advertise this.” Me-ow. Kitten’s got claws. Terry Bradshaw’s absence was felt by all.

Then Little Miss Horvath meets with a new publisher, who gushes over her work and even compares her to queen bee Mindy Kaling. Richard Sherman ankle injury. The giggly new publishers like her so much that they offer her a book deal – not an e-book, a real, hard copy, book-book. Sad Eli watching from the stands. Hannah is obvs on cloud nine when she hears from her dad (whose attempts at telling her about his recent surgery are completely ignored), but he’s bearing bad news: according to Hannah’s lawyer cousin, her old publisher owns the rights to her story for THREE YEARS! Malcolm Smith’s new truck. Hannah screams at her dad, goes into full-on tantrum mode, and hangs up. Tweeting ‘”Give It Away” is what Peyton has been doing the entire first half’ during the RHCP performance.

Some people, when they have a bad day, go home and kick their dog, but Hannah doesn’t have a dog, she has a Caroline. And boy does she kick her…out to be exact. Pete Carroll looks a little like Richard Gere, right? When Adam gets home and asks where his sister is, Hannah proudly (and half-consciously) declares that she kicked her out because “She was ruining our lives and I thought it would make you happy.” But Adam is not happy. That random 9/11 Truther at the post-game press conference. Despite the fact the she drives him nuts, Adam says “She’s my sister, you understand that? What the fuck?!” and storms out, making it the second episode in a row to end on an ominous note for the future of Adam and Hannah’s relationship. Determined not to be the first team shut out in a Super Bowl, Manning led the Broncos on a six-play, 80-yard drive that ended with a 14-yard touchdown pass to receiver Demaryius Thomas. Wes Welker converted a two-point conversion on a short pass from Manning, trimming Seattle’s lead to 36-8 after three quarters.

So anyway, if your chick asks you, that’s pretty much what happened on Girls last night. Not like I care or anything.