By: Dan Abramson

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All the Great Amenities this Sochi Hotel Has to Offer

Hello and welcome Sochi Grand Hotel. Finest hotel in Sochi. Before you experience and enjoy olympic sport, be sure experience and enjoy all hotel has offer:

-All rooms feature brand new, state of art Removable Door Knobs

-At least Three Walls

Two toilets* in shared bathroom. Which one works? That for you find out and part of Sochi fun!
*Do not use either of toilets. Are show toilets. One of many exotic sights you see in Sochi.

-Wake up alert and refreshed to our natural wake up call of Barking Stray Dogs, who will make sure you know when it is dawn.

Water! We have finest yellow and brown water in Sochi. Just turn on your water machines (you Americans may know them as “bathtubs”), cup your water carriers (you may know them as “hands”) and bring water to your drinking holes (“mouths”). But make sure it doesn’t touch skin. Sochi water so rich with vitamins that it literally burn your face off! SO powerful and SOchi!

-Speaking of bathtubs, Sochi police is extremely concerned with proper bathing techniques. That’s why we have equip all showers with Surveillance Cameras, ensuring that someone watching you at all times. If you clean yourself in accordance with guidelines listed in your Sochi welcome pamphlet, you will barely notice us watching your every move. If however you don’t, and choose to skip certain body cavities or welcome a member of same sex into your shower, you will be visited by friendly, armed Sochi police officer, ready to assist with shower.

*This is not guarantee. When you made reservation, you reserved a “room.” That all we can promise.

-Need Ice to chill borscht? Not problem! Simply grab convenient bedside broom handle, stick out window and knock down icicles into travel toilet (or as you Americans call it, “bucket”). Use for icing vodka, soups and bruises incurred while being chased by dogs.

Internet. We know you love internet. That’s why we equip half of rooms with world wide web. Just use your computer to enjoy the following Russia-approved websites:


-Charge your phones with our High-Energy Power Cables (you Americans call them “exposed wire”), found in sink.

-Upgrade to Presidential Suite and you receive:

  • Four walls!
  • A photograph of Vladimir Putin on a horse
  • An armed guard to stand outside your door in case homosexuals attempt to enter and talk to children

We hope you enjoy stay in Sochi! Before going to room, please drop off luggage with any of our many luggage centers (or as you Americans call it, “government issued x-ray machines”).

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