By: Pat O'Brien
51 Fun Ideas For Single People On Valentine’s Day

No significant other this year? No problem. Here are 51 surefire ways for single people to have a great time on Valentine's Day:
- treat yourself to a nice dinner
- enjoy a big glass of wine
- listen to your favorite song
- dance like nobody’s watching
- realize your neighbor across the street is watching
- quickly shut the blinds and put your clothes back on
- figure the damage is done so you might as well leave your pants off
- pour another glass of wine
- imagine your smug neighbor telling his wife about what he just saw
- hope their marriage fails
- remember tonight is about you
- relax and get comfy
- top off your wine glass
- search for your favorite movie on Netflix
- wonder how the fuck they don’t have Uncle Buck available to stream
- realize you haven’t left the house or spoken to another human being all day
- get online and search for any remaining video stores in your area
- call the only remaining one and ask if they have Uncle Buck
- read too much into the clerk’s “great choice” comment
- sense a real connection there
- hang up, giddy with excitement
- get ready to meet this sexy-voiced video store clerk who clearly gets you
- change into a shirt that doesn’t have mustard stains all over it
- grab your car keys
- realize you’ve had at least nine glasses of wine and are in no shape to drive
- head for the bus stop
- pop into a nearby liquor store for a fresh bottle of wine
- see that a box is not only cheaper per ounce but has a handle to carry it with
- wait for your bus for over an hour, passing the time by thinking of Uncle Buck-related icebreakers you can use when you meet the clerk of your dreams
- finally see the bus
- be told by the driver that you must be wearing pants in order to ride
- tell him you hope his marriage fails
- sit down on the curb as the bus speeds away, assessing the situation while sucking directly from the little spigot on the box of wine
- debate going home and putting on pants, but figure if all goes well with the video store clerk tonight, you won’t be needing pants anyway
- start walking
- arrive at the video store only to find that two-timing clerk helping someone else find a movie
- freak the FUCK out
- storm in there, swinging your wine box and demanding some fucking answers
- get arrested for assault, indecent exposure and public drunkenness
- stretch out in the back of the squad car because tonight is still about you
- use your one phone call to have some 1-800-FLOWERS delivered to you at the station
- cry for a while, wondering how that sexy clerk could do this to you
- decide that no, you’re not gonna cry
- stand up on your cot and begin loudly singing “Not Gon’ Cry” by Mary J. Blige, from the Waiting To Exhale soundtrack
- dance like no one is watching
- notice that several of the guards are watching and also screaming at you to get down
- tell them that you’re through with shame and that tonight is all about joy
- get brutally Tasered until you pass out
- awaken hours later to a guard shaking you, your head throbbing and pants still missing
- be told that the video store clerk has decided not to press charges and you’re free to go
- head straight for that video store because this was clearly meant to be