By: Funny Or Die
HBO's 'True Detective' has been an exercise in confusion. We seem to know just as much as the main characters, who have been following leads and clues for years, reading into every single detail. So who killed Dora Lange? We have some suspicions that may seem extreme, but we wouldn't put anything past this show.
-The Yellow King is actually the Bee Girl from the video for Blind Melon’s “No Rain,” ritualistically murdering women after being taunted throughout her childhood.
-This is all a dream inside the head of one of the aluminum men that Cohle built out of beer cans.
-Cohle is Hart, Hart is Cohle, and we all have hearts and we all have souls. Finkel is Einhorn. Einhorn is Finkel. And The Yellow King is Dan Marino.
-Dora Lange is an anagram for “Read Along” which sounds eerily similar to “Ride Along,” which stars Kevin Hart. Hart is the last name of Woody Harrelson’s character. Ergo, Kevin Hart has actually been played by Matthew McConaughey, just one of many killer performances he’s turned in this year.
-There were three shooters. One in the warehouse, two on the grassy knoll.
-It’s Jon from “Garfield.” Woody Harrelson already said “Don't mow another man's lawn” in the film Kingpin. His enemy in that film was Bill Murray. Bill Murray was the voice of Garfield who was friends with Jon who clearly could be a Satan worshipper who kills kids.
-The two black detectives did it. What? I'm not being racist. I just don't remember their names and this show's so good it's capable of anything.
-John Deere ‘ The Yellow King. Deer. Antlers. Someone is mowing the lawn of the closed down school. Rust mows Marty's lawn. Trees get in the way of lawns. All the dead bodies are near trees. This is John Deere saying “get rid of trees, no one dies.” Plus those devil statues are made out of what? Sticks. Sticks are what? Wood. If there was no wood or trees and just lawns everywhere none of this would have happened.
-Eric Clapton and Friends are at fault. It's all going to go down in that bayou mansion where all the musicians showed up at the end of 'Blues Brothers 2000,' because we've already seen some truly awful stuff go down there.
-Hurricane Katrina hasn't even been mentioned yet. Why not? What is that hurricane hiding?!?
-Early on, Cohle says “The world needs bad men. We keep the other bad men from the door.” But did he? The character mumbles. A closer listen reveals he actually said “The world needs Batman.” Whoa. Mind splosion. So maybe Cohle is simply a young Commissioner Gordon, which would make Maggie the Penguin if my memory of Batman is to be trusted which it should be. So if Maggie’s The Penguin, then we can assume that she’s running for mayor which would put her at the top of the task force. THE VERY TASK FORCE THAT WAS TRYING TO GET THE BOYS OFF THE CASE. Holy shit. Okay okay okay. So if she’s corrupt, then the Yellow King ‘ oh fuck it, it was probably Cohle. That guy’s super weird.
-Everyone did it already, and they'll do it again, because life is a flat circle, just like pizzas, which are red, like blood. So either everyone did it or a pizza did it.