By: Pat O'Brien
What’s up, you guys? Joey Chestnut here. You probably know me as a superstar Competitive Eating Champion and holder of the all-time world record for most hot dogs eaten in 10 minutes (69 hot dogs! That’s nuts, right?!), but what you probably don’t know about me is that I’m also a serious film buff. I don’t necessarily give the BEST critiques of popular films, but I can do A LOT of them and FAST. It's sort of my specialty. OKAY, enough messin’ around! Here are my top picks for the Oscars this yearhnrrhjgmrrtrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr [sorry, dropped a wet wiener on my keyboard just now – no time to edit this, must go FAST]
LET’S DO THIS!!!
Based on its title alone, I think this is a lock for Best Picture. Think about it, 'American Hustle' combines two of America's favorite things: AMERICA and doing things quickly.
There were zero hot dogs in this movie so I didn’t like it. NO AWARDS.
Matthew McConeghey’s skin looked sorta like hot dog skin in this one. BEST ACTOR.
LET'S GO, MORE
This is about a man who falls in love with an operating system which I relate to because sometimes I think I’m in love with the scoreboard at Nathan’s Famous Hot Dogs on Coney Island which to this day proudly displays my WORLD RECORD SIXTY-NINE HOT DOGS. I love her so much and yes her name is “Nathan” but she is a girl no homo BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY
COME ON WHAT ELSE
Flawless performances combined with the perfect blend of humor and pathos make this is a crowd-pleaser in the best sense of the word plus I think Judy Dench orders a hot dog in one scene. No time to google it. BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAYKYJYYYYYYYYYY [sorry more wet wieners keep falling yes I eat hot dogs when I review movies big deal]
I have had 69 hot dogs inside me so respect to Llewyn Davis for having probably at least that many emotions and songs and shit inside him. BEST SOUND MIXING
OH GOD I’M GONNA PUKE
Some really good hot dog places in that state so JUNE SQUIBB TAKES BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Will def beat out The Croods for best Animated pic. I just threw up.
Devastating, unflinching and important. Lupita Nyong'o for Best Supporting. I’m sorry, you guys. I blew it. I went too hard right outta the gate. Should've paced myself more and dipped the buns in water.
I actually have not seen this one, heard good things though. Looks like it’s available on demand, might as well kick back and watch it since I already fucked this whole thing up. Hey, how many hot dogs do you bet I can eat before the end of this movie? …Fifty? ONE HUNDRED? I WILL EAT TWO HUNDRED HOT DOGS BEFORE THE END OF CAPTAIN PHILLIPS. I AM THE WORLD CHAMPION FILM CRITIC NO ONE IS BETTER THAN MERFFFFFFFFFFFFFHHHHHFGFJJJJJJJJ [sorry wet wiener again ‘ I’M BACK BABY!]
So there you have it my Oscar picks for 2014. I’ll get back to you on Cap’n Phil (no time for his full name) but in the meantime enjoy this photo of my favorite actor/future Oscar winner Jonah Hill:
oh shit Oscar winner sounds a lot like “Oscar Meyer Wiener” I just realized that BYE