By: Pope Francis
What up other popes! As some of you know, last Sunday I accidentally said “Fuck” during a weekly blessing. At first I was upset and embarrassed, because I was raised as a pope and popes don’t use profanity. But I must drop a confession on y’all – it felt incredible saying it. And by “it” I mean “fuck.”
I've thought long and hard, and I now think that it's alright for popes to say “fuck,” as long as we are saying it in the right way. This shall be the holy guide for popes when it comes to how and when it’s cool to say “fuck.”
You can really boost a compliment with a well-placed fuck, and since it makes others feel better, it’s fine to say it. Here are a few examples when fuck is used as a compliment:
“Oh fuck, that's some good soup right there.”
“I'm just a humble pope, but you look fucking gorgeous.”
“That’s some fucking incredible drumming right there, my man.”
“Fuck yeah, you’re good at making coffins.”
“I fucking love Jesus.”
“You are one funny fuck, my child.”
Fucks are alright if you are denouncing evil or negative aspects of the world, because the fuck underlines your enthusiastic disapproval of said evil.
“Fuck that sin.”
“I fucking hate Satan.”
“Fuck that, I’m not stealing from those cute little Peruvian kids.”
“Hitler can go fuck himself.”*
*This is one of the only times popes can tell someone to go fuck him or herself. Other appropriate papal uses of “fuck himself” include, “The devil can go fuck himself,” “Pol Pot can go fuck himself,” and “Anal-probing aliens can go fuck themselves.” If a shark just tried to eat you, I also think it’s alright to say that particular shark can go fuck itself. Also if a guy steals your taxi, that guy can go fuck himself, too. Oh, and mosquitoes can go fuck themselves every day.
Moments of Regret
We all have them, and since they aren’t directed at anyone, these fucks are fine for popes to let fly.
“Fuck, I forgot my pope hat.”
“I shouldn’t have fucking said that.”
“Why the fuck did I call that priest ‘the blesser man’?”
“Hold on, everyone, I fucked up that transubstantiation, lemme do it again.”
Sexually, if about married couples in a good way.
Fuck also means to have sex, and that can be tricky for popes. We can’t say “Fuck me,” or “I’d fuck that,” because we popes can’t fuck and all that sounds rude.
If it’s positive, however, and it’s towards married couples, it’s fine.
“I now pronounce you husband and wife, go have a great fuck!”
“They have a healthy marriage, lots of communication and a healthy amount of fucking.”
“You horny fuckers are a hilarious couple.”
“If you want to have kids, you two, start fucking more, I dunno.”
As a synonym for “extremely,” used in a positive or truthful light.
“As fuck” is a great phrase to emphasize where you are at.
“All popes should be poor as fuck.”
“I’m Catholic as fuck.”
“I’m hungry as fuck.” (when you are actually hungry)
“As the pope, I’m holy as fuck.”
“Fuck it, I’m in.”
Casting cares aside and going for it – that’s True Pope right there. Don’t be afraid to add a fuck in there and make it real.
New words using “fuck”
These are just a good time.
Fuckington Post (website)
And there you have it! We popes can say fuck all the time. It just needs to be used in the right way. So go have some fucking fun; you popes are beautiful as fuck and I fucking love you holy fucks.
– Pope “Fucking” Francis