Top 10 Fears I Really Have and No Longer Wish to Really Have

I'm afraid of so many things. In efforts toward becoming a normal functioning human being, I've compiled a list of dumb things I no longer want to be afraid of. I've of course left off the real frightening things in this world that everyone should almost always be afraid of, and whittled it down to the most humiliating and minuscule fears of a real adult woman. You may share some of these fears … maybe if you're also a person sitting in your own home, shivering from fear at the sight or sound of nothing at all unusual. If you are that person, get ready. You are about to experience a list of deep and personal terrors.

Starting with 10. We'll Take this Nice and Slow.

10. Accidentally walking into some sort of improvised flashmob-type situation where a bunch of naked women are just laying there with their legs open. This is a recurring nightmare and I can't begin to tell you how it ruins a day from morning to night, but it does.

9. No longer being able to tell the difference between meat and cheese. At parties, you're the one saying, “I don't know! They're the same to me!”

8. Spiders. And you know what, fuck them! They're tiny as fuck.

7. Cats biting me. Fuck that, too. I could bite a cat. You know what, I WANT a cat to bite me now. Just so it can NOT see what's it's GOT COMING TO IT.

6. Contracting HPV. I don't even know how to identify what it is when I most definitely contract it within the next one to three years.

OKAY WE BREAK. YOU BREATHE. ARE YOU READY TO HANDLE THE TOP 5?

The Top 5. Is Everyone Okay Still?

5. Bowling. Because I'm afraid that when I throw the ball my fingers will stay in the holes and then I will have no fingers. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, READER?

4. Falling while I'm in a dream. I know it's a dream. I know what you're thinking. But let me ask you this: WHY do I wake up sweaty and all bulgy-eyed almost AS IF MY BODY FEELS THE TRAUMA OF REAL-LIFE FALLING? AHAA? AHAAAA? Moving on.

3. Big animal steps on my foot and crushes it into a fine powder. Big like a moose. Or a horse. Or a hippo. Oh right …

2. Hippos. Fuck, have you seen these things? Fuck, fuck, fuck. One of those things comes to town ‘ we're done for. IT'S A LIVING BEAST.

1. Farting as I stand up to shake someone's hand after waiting for a very long time in a waiting room filled with quiet people who have also been there a very long time. For several reasons, many of which I'm sure you can surmise, this one has haunted me the longest and strongest. It is my Everest.

Best of luck with these hurdles, Reader. Just remember what I try to tell myself every day: The less you are afraid, the closer you are to becoming a more functional and likable human being.

FEAR BE GONE!