By: Funny Or Die

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The Death of ‘Archie’: 13 Possible Last Words


It was announced that the long-running Archie Comics series will kill off its beloved main character in an upcoming issue. Here are some guesses at what his last words might be:

  • “Wait, I’m still around? That’s aweso- (*dies*)”
  • “You’ll pay for this, Joker!”
  • “Who knew I would get diabetes from all those years of sharing frosty fountain sodas?”
  • “I never even got to third base. Quick, what happens on third ba-“
  • “Et tu, Jughead?”
  • “Sprinkle my ashes in the supermarket checkout line right next to the Reader’s Digests.”
  • “A high school degree is worthless in today’s economy!”
  • “I will die the way I lived, in the back of people's minds but never really mattering.”
  • “Betty, Veronica, I never got to tell you this, but for years Mr. Weatherbee has been donning an orange wig and diddling you both.”
  • “So long, girls, I’m off to that three-way milkshake in the sky.”
  • “Allahu Akbar!”
  • “Promise to honor me with a list of '17 Archie Comics that Featured Crazy Crossovers’!”
  • “At least I got to achieve my dreams of fucking two women for decades and having them be okay with it.”

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