Ways to Protect Yourself Against Heartbleed (The Security Breach Affecting Every Site on the Internet)

Heartbleed is one of the biggest security threats the Internet has ever seen, crippling popular sites like Google, Facebook, and Yahoo. But don’t fret, there are simple tactics you can take to safeguard your security:

• Give your computer a firm handshake to make sure it knows you have a mutual respect. You guys are in this together.
• Stay one step ahead of Heartbleed by opening new website windows like, really fast.
• Check which websites have been affected. If you don’t want to read a long list of breached sites, write down your favorite websites, place the piece of paper in an old shoebox, and mail to President Obama with a note that says “We are not safe?”
• Put your mouth on your computer and suck the poison out.
• Create a new password that contains one uppercase letter, one number, and one character from 'Cheers' (studies have shown that hackers don't watch ‘Cheers’).
• There’s no better way to feel safe than to hire a private investigator to take photos of your family during game night and then showing them the pictures a year later and demanding an explanation.
• Try working on Mikey's machine. He's got a newer machine.
• If you are in an emo band called “Heartbleed”, call up the guys and vote on a new name immediately. Some suggestions are “Cloudy Through Tuesday,” “Gym Class Lettergrade,” and “The Brandon Apparatus.”
• Go to the Apple Store, find an open computer, and scream “heretic” as loud as you can. Make sure to shove someone on your way out.
• Only use the Internet in Internet Cafes, and wear sunglasses.
• Take your computer on a ride into the country. When you get far enough from its home, open the door, muster up some goddamn balls, and tell it to “git.”
• Check your ex’s Facebook page and photos to make sure they haven’t been affected. Hit ‘like' on each of their posts and photos from the last two months so they know that you, too, are doing well.
• If you have children who have not lost their lives as a result of Heartbleed, track them down and apologize for all the ways you’ve disappointed them. This may be the last you ever speak to them.
• Soak your laptop in a big bowl of quinoa or rice until wait a second that's if it get's wet, whatever do it anyways.