Donald Sterling’s NAACP Acceptance Speech

For some reason, Los Angeles Clippers owner Donald Sterling was scheduled to receive an NAACP Lifetime Achievement Award next month. In light of Sterling’s recently leaked racist rant, the NAACP announced that he will no longer be given the award, which is a tough break for Sterling, who had already worked hard writing the following acceptance speech:

‘Greetings, fellow white peopl- wait – what are all these blacks doing here?

I specifically requested that all the black people be removed from my NAACP Lifetime Achievement Award speech. Especially Magic Johnson! Please, blacks, I am not racist or anything but we live in a society, okay? We live in a culture and we have to live within that culture. Now do you get it?

Okay, back to the speech: I have always been a big supporter of the NAACP, mainly because it gives me an excuse to say ‘colored people” and not get in troubl- hey, what the hell is this?

[holds up phone]

I specifically asked the NAACP to remove all the black people from its Instagram account! There are still black people on here! In fact, it’s MOSTLY black people! You all may think I’m racist but let me ask you this: what kind of racist would regularly have SEX with a black woman, huh? Oh yeah? Well ‘most slave owners” isn’t a person so joke’s on you, Magic! This is exactly why I didn’t want you here!

Look, I’m not gonna change for you, NAACP. If you can’t accept me, I’ll find a different Association for the Advancement of Colored People that will. I love the NAACP, I just can’t tolerate the fact that there are black people involved with it! How does that not make sense? Am I the last sane man on Earth? Let’s get a photo of the last sane man on Earth for Instagram! Will all the black people in the room kindly duck down?

[Starts snapping selfies as security leads him offstage]

You still think I’m a racist, don’t you? Well I have just four words for you: Society. Culture. Israel. Instagram. I think I’ve made my point.

In closing, I just wanna say I’m not racist, go Clippers, and live from New York it’s Saturday night!”