By: Brian Boone

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Lyrical Proof that Singers of ’90s R&B Sex Jams Were All Virgins

Your understanding of sex was likely formed by ’90s R&B sex jams. You have probably noticed that sex in reality has differed somewhat from its depictions in those songs. It’s because your understanding and expectations of sex were delivered by people who had no idea what they were talking about and who had never had sex.*

[*Excludes R. Kelly]

Next, “Too Close”

This is a song about getting a boner on the dance floor. The singer apologizes, feels weird, the girl doesn’t like it ‘ these are the circumstances that surround a sexually inexperienced and unconfident man, if not an eighth grader at a school dance.

Boyz II Men, “I’ll Make Love to You”

The singer says he’ll make love to you, “like you want me to,” deflecting so as to not have to provide details. There are also some vague mechanics discussed, the kind gleaned from PG-13 movies. “Throw your clothes on the floor, I’m gonna take my clothes off, too. I made plans to be with you.” What are those plans? He has no clue, and really hopes the lady takes the lead.

Color Me Badd, “I Wanna Sex You Up”

Among the romantic bon mots is the invitation to “do it ’till we both wake up.” If one person is asleep, it’s a crime; if both people are asleep ‘ then you didn’t have sex. They also invite the lady to make love “until we drown,” which doesn’t make any sense at all.

Ginuwine, “Pony”

Only a child would call his penis a pony.

Bell Biv DeVoe, “Do Me”

BBD legally got away with bragging about the conquest of an adolescent girl because nobody had actually done anybody. They just say “do me” a lot, trying too hard to let the audience know that they totally know what that means. There’s also the manner of “smack[ing] it up, flip[ping] it, rub[bing] it down, OH NO,” which is most definitely a handjob that ends in a premature ejaculation.

H-Town, “Knockin’ Da Boots”

I don’t know how any part of the human sexuality process could be compared to hitting two boots against each other. Maybe if you’re camping? Nor does sex generally have an intermission so everybody can go grab their towels, presumably to clean up after another premature ejaculation. “You know what I’m saying?” I do not.

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