By: Funny Or Die

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17 Possible Revelations from the Monica Lewinsky ‘Vanity Fair’ Article


In a new article for Vanity Fair magazine, Monica Lewinsky talks openly for the first time about her affair with President Clinton. Lewinsky hopes the piece will allow her to clear the air and finally move past the scandal, saying, “It’s time to burn the beret and bury the blue dress.” We haven’t read it yet, but here are some possible juicy quotes from the article:

  • “Everyone talks about the stained dress, but no one talks about the stained Giant Panda costume.”
  • “Have I been saying Clinton this whole time? I totally meant Carter.”
  • “I was constantly being offered millions to tell my story, but never did, because it just felt wrong back then. By the way, how much are you guys paying me?”
  • “I would like to do stand-up, but my material is all about the Monica Lewinsky scandal so it's pretty dated.”
  • “George Bush was far more discreet.”
  • “It’s time to burn the beret and bury the blue dress. I brought some matches ‘ can I just use this waste basket over here?”
  • “Bill and I had this funny game, where he would say, 'Come over to the White House,' and I would respond with 'WHOSE House?,' and then he would go, 'RUN’s House.' It was the only way he could ejaculate.”
  • “So you record everything I say and then what? Type it out?”
  • “It’s funny, no one ever mentions the huge soup stain on that dress.”
  • “Hillary Clinton said she blamed herself, which is just crazy to me. Unless, of course, she bought the cigars. Then yeah, that’s on her.”
  • “I used to dress up like a saxophone and hum John Coltrane’s greatest hits. It was the only way he could ejaculate.”
  • “Michelle Obama and Laura Bush have both sent me really lovely threats in the mail to keep my distance.”
  • “Just like any woman, I look back at the blowjobs of my youth and laugh.”
  • “At a certain point my own mother stopped talking to me. It was sad but it was the only way he could ejaculate.”
  • “I’m currently in talks with CBS to replace Craig Ferguson.”
  • “The worst part of the ’90s for me? Probably how much Counting Crows was on the radio. I hated that band.”
  • “…And that’s why I’m running for president in 2016.”

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