The Nautical Kama Sutra: Sex Positions for the Boating Enthusiast

Whether you’re the proud new owner of a sunfish or a 300-foot yacht, there’s no denying that your sex life is about to hit the open sea and it’s all hands on deck. So set sail: below are steamy instructions and illustrations for you to navigate all the mind-blowing, orgasmic waters of your new life.

Perch on the mast of the ship, raise your partner’s arms triumphantly and insert yourself while imagining you are a big man with money like Leo DiCaprio.

School a Fish

Have sex with your partner in your boat while a less-experienced fish watches and takes notes.

The Jet Slut

Locate your jet ski’s vagina. Penetrate as parasailor films from above.

The Poop Deck (censored)

The Jib Job

The “jib” is the small triangular sail extending from the head of the foremast. Suck on that.

Dry Dock

Two sexy boats have sex on the beach.

The U-Boat Surprise

Two boats fuck at the surface. Unbeknownst to them, a German u-boat approaches from underwater, penetrating both boats’ assholes.

The Staten Island Ferry

Two boats slowly make love while a resident of Staten Island uncomfortably commutes home from work. Happens every half hour on the half hour.

Noah’s Arking

Two small boats have sex aboard one larger boat (ideally also filled with 2 of every known animal species).

The Moby Tryst

A BBW threesome: two boats, one whale. A whale fucks a boat while a boat fucks its blowhole.

Illustration & Animation by Natasha Fedorova

This article originally appeared on The Occasional