By: The Occasional
Whether you’re the proud new owner of a sunfish or a 300-foot yacht, there’s no denying that your sex life is about to hit the open sea and it’s all hands on deck. So set sail: below are steamy instructions and illustrations for you to navigate all the mind-blowing, orgasmic waters of your new life.
The King of the World
Perch on the mast of the ship, raise your partner’s arms triumphantly and insert yourself while imagining you are a big man with money like Leo DiCaprio.
School a Fish
Have sex with your partner in your boat while a less-experienced fish watches and takes notes.
The Jet Slut
Locate your jet ski’s vagina. Penetrate as parasailor films from above.
The Poop Deck (censored)
The Jib Job
The “jib” is the small triangular sail extending from the head of the foremast. Suck on that.
Two sexy boats have sex on the beach.
The U-Boat Surprise
Two boats fuck at the surface. Unbeknownst to them, a German u-boat approaches from underwater, penetrating both boats’ assholes.
The Staten Island Ferry
Two boats slowly make love while a resident of Staten Island uncomfortably commutes home from work. Happens every half hour on the half hour.
Two small boats have sex aboard one larger boat (ideally also filled with 2 of every known animal species).
The Moby Tryst
A BBW threesome: two boats, one whale. A whale fucks a boat while a boat fucks its blowhole.
Illustration & Animation by Natasha Fedorova
This article originally appeared on The Occasional