By: Zack Poitras
As previous seasons of Game of Thrones have so dispiritingly proven, the show is extremely uncaring toward fans’ emotional investment or admiration of any character. The situation has become so affecting, in fact, that the series’ creators are now legally required to receive a signed release form from every viewer of the show. Below is the form, to be printed, signed and mailed to HBO headquarters by every GoT fan.
GAME OF THRONES VIEWER RELEASE FORM
I, ____[insert name]____, hereby acknowledge that at any given moment during Game of Thrones, ____[insert name of favorite character]____ may perish in a soul-crushing and utterly depressing manner.
I relinquish all rights to my emotional health as I continue to watch this series, well aware that any hopes or desires I have for positive outcomes are destined to go unfulfilled, and understand that the only real outcomes of this show end in heartbreak, disappointment, gore, and cold, unmerciful destruction.
In any scene during Season ___[insert season number]___, I recognize that ____[insert name of favorite character]____ is under constant threat of death by axe-to-head, head-crush-with-hands, sour-grape-juice-at-wedding, dragon charring, knife-to-throat, general stabbing, beheading, hungry-rat-in-a-bucket, burning-to-death, crossbow fire, big rock, zombie freeze, falling, tripping, weird dream, mean ghost, giant’s fist, infection, disease, too much walking, horse bucking, rancid meat, too little sleep, too much sleep, drowning, wolf bite, strangulation, mercy kill, old age, tangled beard, push through moon door, being buried alive, rotten smells, frequent nudity, not-being-nude-enough, wind chill, dehydration, uppity boar, crucifixion, sharp stick, too much sex, torture, diving bird, hot pies, mudslide, pointy chair, fetus-stabbing, stiff breeze, tiny sword, or by simply getting punched too much.
I accept that all characters made to appear good will eventually disappoint me, by either raping another character, killing another good character, or doing something so disturbing that I would rather be physically ill than continue to watch his or her actions.
I hereby disregard my trained expectations for narrative television, understanding that this show has no respect for ___[insert any character]___’s moral ideals, and all traditional acts of heroism or nobility shall likely be met with terrible and undeserved retribution. No one is safe, and I have no right to treat the show with scorn or malice when another kind-hearted individual has his or her eyes gouged and head imploded by the callused mitts of a brute no viewer has ever cared about.
It is with all this in mind that I, ___[insert name]____ willingly continue to watch Game of Thrones, and freely invite the feelings of awful, hopeless agony imposed by the narrative events of said program.
More will die, probably the ones I like, and I can’t do anything about it.
(Your full name above)
Circle ‘Yes’ if you would like to receive weekly updates on who died in Game of Thrones, as well as discounts on Game of Thrones merchandise. Circle ‘No’ if you would only like to receive discounts on Game of Thrones merchandise.
Please mail completely filled-out form in self-addressed and stamped envelope to:
1100 Avenue of the Americas
New York, NY 10036
Download the official release form and mail to HBO