17 Features of the New ‘Mortal Kombat X’ Game

An ultra-violent new trailer for the upcoming Mortal Kombat game, Mortal Kombat X, has fans everywhere wondering what cool new features to expect in the latest installment. Here are just some of the exciting updates you’ll find in this new incarnation of the classic fighting game:

• So violent, George R.R. Martin can masturbate to it.
• Now when you hear “FINISH HIM,” your opponent’s family enters so you can look them all in the eye first.
• Due to global warming, Sub-Zero now just hurls lukewarm water at people.
• New “Blogalities” let you finish off an opponent with a strongly worded Tumblr post.
• After especially awesome fatalities, your gaming console will open and spray entrails on you with a firehose.
• Uptempo bossa nova score.
• New characters include Spyke, a demon trapped in a cyborg body, and Gary, a terrified, sobbing man begging for mercy.
• Kano’s new finishing move is to cyberbully his opponent on Facebook until they have to change schools.
• New “chill mode” lets characters get high together and watch Cosmos.
• One fight location is the men’s room at an Eagles game.
• An empathetic Scorpion demands heartbroken players “Get Over Her.”
• Cutscene after cutscene of characters recalling the time they met Batman.
• Johnny Cage is now Johnathan Cage. He’s an adult now.
• In the new “Oklahoma Execution Chamber” fight stage, fatalities don’t always work.
• Extra-gruesome “football mode” lets characters join the NFL then tracks their cognitive degeneration over the next few decades.
• Between stressful deathmatches, fighters can now decompress by throwing Raiden’s hat around out on the quad.
• After 22 years, someone finally catches that typo in the title.