By: Zack Poitras

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The Full List of Rules for Taking Care of Gizmo from ‘Gremlins’

We figured it’s as good a time as any to remind people of the rules you must follow when taking care of Gizmo, the cute little mogwai. Most people know about the first three rules, but there are actually a lot more than that. Break any of these rules and, well, just don’t.

  • Don’t feed him after midnight.
  • Don’t get him wet.
  • Don’t expose him to sunlight.
  • Don’t bring up Reaganomics if you know what’s good for you.
  • Don’t overtip while he’s watching.
  • Don’t sing ‘Ridin’ Dirty’ around him.
  • If he asks, the Oklahoma Thunder are still the Seattle Supersonics.
  • Don’t correct him when he calls a computer a ‘typescreen.”
  • Don’t make fun of his tiny, furry penis.
  • If he asks you to describe a recent sexual encounter, don’t use the word ‘poon-daddy.”
  • Don’t poke his butt.
  • Don’t tickle him when he has to take a shit.
  • Always let him win if you’re playing chess.
  • If he’s humping a teddy bear, let him finish.
  • Don’t make fun of him when he calls pandas ‘zebra bears.”
  • If he wants to kiss you with tongue you gotta do it.
  • If anyone asks in his presence, the two of you are best friends.
  • Even if it’s not midnight, never feed him anything that’s not kosher.
  • Never lend him $100 if you’re near a strip club or casino.
  • Don’t call him a piece of garbage and throw him in the trash – that’s just mean.
  • If he tells you his tummy hurts, don’t ask him if he’s just ‘actin’ a puss”
  • Don’t shake his hand if you’re all clammy.
  • Don’t tell him Cindy Crawford’s not the top supermodel anymore.
  • Don’t post photos of him on Instagram unless you have a really funny caption.
  • Don’t get him started about Miley Cyrus’ antics.
  • Even though he reeks from never showering, don’t douse him with cologne.
  • If you have weed on your person, he will call the police.
  • Don’t let him suck in helium from a balloon and do his gay mouse character.
  • Don’t try to convince him that a trip to a neighboring state counts as a vacation.
  • Never let a cat mount him.
  • Don’t talk shit about George Bush while he’s listening.
  • Don’t ask him to ride a dog like a horse.
  • Don’t forget that if you own a Furby, he will kill it and wear its synthetic skin as a prize.
  • Most importantly, have fun!

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