By: Mike Scollins
A Letter of Appeal to the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office from the Washington Redskins
Dear U.S. Patent and Trademark Office,
Please consider this letter a formal appeal for the reinstitution of trademark protection for our beloved Washington Redskins logo. What’s gives, Ke-mo-sah-bee? There’s absolutely nothing racist about our Indian guy (which, for clarification, we’re talking the feathery head Indians, not the dotty head ones). And as for the name ‘Redskins”, you’re just misinterpreting the meaning. We simply call them that on account of Indians’ funny, red skin.
But first, let’s play The Devils Advocates (another name we were considering!). Even if the phrase Redskin were offensive (which it ain’t, I asked my Grandpa) you think taking away trademark protection is gonna make it better?! All you’ve done now is given John Q. Pubelick freedom to make his own memorabilia for free! If a bootleg Redskin flag in every home what you’re after, well then that’s on you. I guess some of us just care more about our country than that.
And why’s Washington getting singled out in the first place? Why not the sexy Land O’Lakes girl? Or the Indian what cries every time you litter- no one’s giving him shit for walking around super Indian. Hell, we’re not even the most offensive team in the NFL! The Browns? That’s offensive. Stealers? I’m assuming that’s about blacks, too. The Packers?! Well, that sure ain’t a nice thing to call a gay. And don’t get me started on THE DOLPHINS which I think means Asians because of their super intelligence and the fact that they’re always sorta wet.
We’ll be honest. Before writing this appeal we slipped on a few ‘more PC” names for size. Sad fact is no one wants to root for the Washington Native Americans. (Though we did try shortening to just the Washington ‘N-Words” which we admit has a ring to it.)
In closing, you guys are about as fun to deal with as an Indian Sunburn. (Case you don’t know, that’s when someone twists your arm so hard it turns your skin red.) So people, just accept the peace pipe and give us our trademark back. And once you do give it back, don’t take it away again! That’s called Indian Giving and it’s incredibly offensive.
Dan ‘The Tomahawk” Snyder
PS ‘ I’ve been informed it’s ‘Steelers” not ‘Stealers”.