FAQ: Hobby Lobby Explains The Supreme Court Ruling on Birth Control

Today’s Supreme Court ruling has led to many questions regarding Hobby Lobby’s employee health care plan. In an effort to clear the air, we’ve outlined our policies in the FAQs below (which are also available on our website as a needlepoint pattern for $7.99).

What forms of contraception are affected by this new ruling?
Specifically ‘Morning After” pills such as Plan B.

Is Hobby Lobby at all worried about the implications this law will have on a woman’s right to choose?
Hobby Lobby 100% supports a woman’s right to choose. For example, puffy paint vs. colored markers or her favorite brand of pipe cleaners.

Why does Hobby Lobby oppose certain forms of contraception but not others?
I dunno, ask God.

But you’re still willing to cover vasectomies for men?
Scissors are a big part of a craft store’s bottom line.

Why has Hobby Lobby taken a stand against Plan B in the first place?
As anyone who’s ever built a Hobby Lobby toy train set can tell you, you don’t get a second chance when you mess up. You just gotta suck it up and live with your broken train.

Wow, that’s a pretty shocking metaphor for childbirth.
We make yarn, not dictionaries.

Okay, fine, then what type of contraceptive would Hobby Lobby prefer I use?
Um, Hot Glue Guns are on sale this week?

Could this slippery slope eventually extend to all birth control which is sometimes prescribed for reasons other than preventing pregnancy?
Birth control used for acne treatment purposes will always be covered, but employees must provide Dr. Zizmor-style before and after photos of of their zits and how they’ve gotten better over time.

What about women who use birth control to regulate their menstrual cycle?
Sure – if it comes to that – so long as the woman can provide a written statement from her husband detailing how much less of a ball-buster she’s been lately.

What if an employee’s religious beliefs are in conflict with your own?
Let’s just say we don’t we don’t print too many ‘Elijah” name tags around here ‘

I still disagree with these policies. How can I voice my opinion?
Be proactive and make a protest sign ‘all you need is some poster board, some markers and a little glitter to make it pop. All these materials can be conveniently purchased at ‘oh no! Bad news! LOL.

Okay, now you’re just being snarky.
Buy some Hobby Lobby brand popsicles sticks, build a tiny bridge and get over it.

How can a for-profit corporation hold religious views, anyway?
Hobby Lobby is a deeply religious corporate entity. It prays to Corporation Jesus everyday and will one day be welcomed into Corporation Heaven.

But isn’t it wrong to impose your religious beliefs onto your 22,000 employees?
(See answer to question 3.)

Okay, this is going nowhere. Is there anything else I need to know about Hobby Lobby?
20% off if you let us baptize you in store!

And does this ruling in any way affect employees of rival craft store, Michael’s?
No. Michael’s is still the same 24/7 gay, liberal fuck-fest it’s always been.