By: Mike Scollins
Front Page | No Video | NSFW | Originals | Regular | Source: WP All Import
1776 Ways To Make The Most Of Your 4th Of July
- Wake up and go to work.
- Think, ‘Wait, where is everybody?”
- Be struck by overwhelming sense of patriotism.
- Realize it’s our nation’s birthday. Three-day weekend!
- Text Dan, ‘4th of July plans?”
- Read ‘Still drunk from Nick’s roof party last night.”
- Wonder why you weren’t invited to Nick’s roof party. You guys are friends.
- Reply ‘Yeah, same. You were so gone you probably don’t remember I was there, too. Had a great time.”
- Text Pat, ‘4th of July plans?”
- Read ‘I dunno. Went pretty hard at Nick’s last night ‘”
- Make a mental note to talk to Nick.
- Decide that if you’re being honest with yourself, you kinda just wanna get high and watch Bar Rescue tonight anyways.
- Have a crisis of conscious that this is not what our forefathers would have wanted.
- Remember that Bar Rescue wasn’t around back then so they probably have no opinion on it, really.
- Try to find the most patriotic song on your phone for the subway ride home. Realize it’s ‘Party In the USA”.
- Get sort of into it and accidentally sing the ‘Jay-Z song was on” part out loud.
- Got off at next subway stop out of embarrassment.
- Walk the next four miles home.
- Run into roommate. Ask if he wants to just smoke and watch Bar Rescue.
- Have him tell you, ‘I’m actually heading to Nick’s tonight.”
- Realize Nick is having ANOTHER party?!
- Scramble to save face by blurting, ‘Yeah, well, I stopped hanging out with him after his dick fell off.”
- DICK FELL OFF?! That’s seriously the best you could do?!
- Pick jaw off floor when roommate replies, ‘Oh my God. He told me I was the only one who knew.”
- Wait, Nick’s dick really DID fall off? Have a dozen follow up questions but can’t ask cause you’re pretending you already knew.
- Go with a vague, ‘Yeah, crazy, right?”
- Tell roommate to have fun. Pop on Bar Rescue but, to be honest, it’s kinda hard to concentrate right now.
- Get email from Nick, ‘Um, who the hell told you about my dick?!”
- Email back , ‘I dunno. Same person who told me about your roof parties!”
- Get reply saying, ‘Tonight was a surprise party for you. Last night we did a dry run cause I wanted everything to be perfect. You’re my best friend and I love you.”
- Realize it’s not just the nation’s birthday but also your own.
- Feel very terrible. Tell Nick if you could cut off your own penis and give it to him YOU WOULD.
- Regret this offer when he replies, ‘Really? That’d be great. Thank you SO MUCH!”
- Tell him it was more a figure of speech but hope they’re still friends?
- – 1773. Refresh email waiting for reply.
- Oh wow. Seamless Promo code! Not the email you were hoping for but still pretty good.
- Give up on Nick but use that promo code for some pad thai.
- Realize Bar Rescue and pad thai is actually a pretty great 4th of July.
