By: Mike Scollins

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1776 Ways To Make The Most Of Your 4th Of July

  1. Wake up and go to work.
  2. Think, ‘Wait, where is everybody?”
  3. Be struck by overwhelming sense of patriotism.
  4. Realize it’s our nation’s birthday. Three-day weekend!
  5. Text Dan, ‘4th of July plans?”
  6. Read ‘Still drunk from Nick’s roof party last night.”
  7. Wonder why you weren’t invited to Nick’s roof party. You guys are friends.
  8. Reply ‘Yeah, same. You were so gone you probably don’t remember I was there, too. Had a great time.”
  9. Text Pat, ‘4th of July plans?”
  10. Read ‘I dunno. Went pretty hard at Nick’s last night ‘”
  11. Make a mental note to talk to Nick.
  12. Decide that if you’re being honest with yourself, you kinda just wanna get high and watch Bar Rescue tonight anyways.
  13. Have a crisis of conscious that this is not what our forefathers would have wanted.
  14. Remember that Bar Rescue wasn’t around back then so they probably have no opinion on it, really.
  15. Try to find the most patriotic song on your phone for the subway ride home. Realize it’s ‘Party In the USA”.
  16. Get sort of into it and accidentally sing the ‘Jay-Z song was on” part out loud.
  17. Got off at next subway stop out of embarrassment.
  18. Walk the next four miles home.
  19. Run into roommate. Ask if he wants to just smoke and watch Bar Rescue.
  20. Have him tell you, ‘I’m actually heading to Nick’s tonight.”
  21. Realize Nick is having ANOTHER party?!
  22. Scramble to save face by blurting, ‘Yeah, well, I stopped hanging out with him after his dick fell off.”
  23. DICK FELL OFF?! That’s seriously the best you could do?!
  24. Pick jaw off floor when roommate replies, ‘Oh my God. He told me I was the only one who knew.”
  25. Wait, Nick’s dick really DID fall off? Have a dozen follow up questions but can’t ask cause you’re pretending you already knew.
  26. Go with a vague, ‘Yeah, crazy, right?”
  27. Tell roommate to have fun. Pop on Bar Rescue but, to be honest, it’s kinda hard to concentrate right now.
  28. Get email from Nick, ‘Um, who the hell told you about my dick?!”
  29. Email back , ‘I dunno. Same person who told me about your roof parties!”
  30. Get reply saying, ‘Tonight was a surprise party for you. Last night we did a dry run cause I wanted everything to be perfect. You’re my best friend and I love you.”
  31. Realize it’s not just the nation’s birthday but also your own.
  32. Feel very terrible. Tell Nick if you could cut off your own penis and give it to him YOU WOULD.
  33. Regret this offer when he replies, ‘Really? That’d be great. Thank you SO MUCH!”
  34. Tell him it was more a figure of speech but hope they’re still friends?
  35. – 1773. Refresh email waiting for reply.
  1. Oh wow. Seamless Promo code! Not the email you were hoping for but still pretty good.
  2. Give up on Nick but use that promo code for some pad thai.
  3. Realize Bar Rescue and pad thai is actually a pretty great 4th of July.

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