By: Zack Poitras
Forget watching fireworks on TV or from a roof – the greatest fireworks are the kind you set off on your driveway, surrounded by neighbors and friends. After months of exhaustive research, we’re happy to provide you with this list of the best fireworks for sale this summer:
The Grand Office
A perfect finale to your office 4th of July Party, this powerhouse of pyro-aerial action will send glittering bursts of green, gold, and blue effects high in the air, all in the shape of your favorite office supplies, including binder clips, phone chargers, and envelopes, ending with a spectacular blue stapler.
The Too Quickie
Three waves of sparks, followed by a sudden, sad burst of crackling rain and two minutes of drawn out wheezes, coupled with a plume of smoke.
Field Of Grass
This square yard of a firework emits hundred of tiny green flames until someone runs over it with a lawnmower. Will repeat itself 16 times or until the winter solstice (whichever comes first).
Michael Keaton’s Career
Erratic 30 year-long outburst of colorful flames and crackles intermixed with bizarre periods of odorous smoke.
Five parachute army men, all with the last name ‘Ryan’ written on their backpacks, catapult into the air. Midway down all burst into flames. A haunting whistle, followed a series of blue flaming balls into the air from all angles.
The Squirrel Feeder
Place near a tree full of squirrels for maximum fun – firework will emit colorful fountain while shooting green bursts of color and actual walnuts spiraling into the air!*
*Note – extremely high chance of fire, multiple dead squirrels.
The Tom Waits
Fountain sprays a wash of white and gold that create the hue of a broken cigarette. Features our patented ‘Gruff whistle,” that emits erratic, low-pitched grumbles. It doesn’t sound appealing but is actually quite beautiful.
The Average Human Life
100-foot long wick that sets off three or four crackles before leading directly into the ground.
Nipple will fire off into air and parachute down. Brilliant white fountain and loud whistles will emit from base. Can buy in assortment of sizes ranging from AA to 42 DD.
Details of firework will be released randomly when you least expect it. But we all know it’ll be good.
Firework will only go off if owner of firework and owner of lighter are mutually attracted to each other.