By: Mike Scollins
Is it seriously Purge Weekend again, already?! Wow. 48 hours of complete lawlessness. Now, if you wanna kill someone, FINE. A lotta people do that on Purge Weekend and I get it. Me, I’m just not that angry of a person.
Here are the laws I’ll be breaking this weekend:
- You’re all gonna see my penis. I’m sorry but it’s 1,000 degrees in New York and I’ve only got pants on ’cause the law says I have to. Fair warning, these boys hang pretty low in July.
- Publicly show football games without express written consent of the NFL. That’s a given.
- Those Seeing Eye dogs you’re not supposed to pet? Guess who’s getting scratched behind the ears.
- What’s the name of that actor who plays Carl on The Walking Dead? Whoever he is, he’s getting kicked in the shins.
- Adios, mattress tags!
- Still haven’t seen 22 Jump Street so I might get some Popeyes and torrent that shit.
- Sorry, pregnant ladies on the subway, but seat’s taken!
- Is ‘Blue Is the Warmest Color'still in theaters? I remember wanting to openly masturbate during that.
- Take joke too far when friend says, ‘If you love pizza so much why don’t you marry it?!”
- ‘Weekend at Bernie's” my grandpa. I really miss him so it’d be nice to hang out.
- Ya know what, I’m gonna go within 500 feet of Kate Upton tomorrow! Courts be damned!
- Don’t forget, The Purge extends to social laws as well! So if any friends stand next to me at a urinal, I might take a cursory glance at what they’re working with.
- Enter a courtroom and, under oath, say I turned down Christina Hendricks once.
- Fuck it, I’m gonna try a needle drug. I can’t live in fear anymore.