By: Dashiell Driscoll
Welcome to an exclusive first analysis of this ‘Jurassic World” brochure that was leaked on imgur earlier today! SPOILERS AHEAD, this article could very well reveal the entire plot of the new movie based on some educated guesses. You’ve been warned!
This is the cover of the brochure. It’s safe to deduce the title of the movie will in fact be ‘Jurassic World” (confirming the rumor that was started by Universal Studios when they officially announced the title in September of 2013). Based on the six languages, we can also pretty much guarantee that only 1/6th of the movie will be in English. In an effort to appeal to international markets, roughly 84% of ‘Jurassic World” will be in a language you probably can’t understand. Don’t worry! Dinosaurs only roar in one language! It’s Mandarin, but you should still be able to get the gist. Also, we’re calling it now that FedEx Office has a new type of 3D printer that prints dinosaurs. That one is less of a movie prediction and more of an optimistic real life prediction.
This page seems to reveal the obvious: Slap bracelets are back! What a fun and playful nod to the era of the first ‘Jurassic Park” movie! Can’t wait for the scene when a creepy 90 y/o John Hammond slaps a neon green bracelet on a boy’s wrist and tells him, ‘It might sting a bit, sonny. But not as much as a bite from a T-Rex!” Then he makes a chomping noise and his teeth fall out and nobody even told Richard Attenborough that the cameras are on and he’s currently an actor on the set of a major motion picture. He’s getting up there in the years and he’s starting to lose it. The guy working the lights (Think he’s called a grip? Not 100%, but pretty sure he is a grip) becomes visibly distraught by Attenborough’s condition and calls in sick the next day to reflect on mortality and reconnect with his father. Also there’s a Samsung phone in the movie that works perfectly the whole time, someone makes a joke about feeling like a stegosaurus if they don’t get their Frappuccino in the morning and a velociraptor gets distracted by the cool, refreshing taste of a can of Coke. That can of soda straight up saves someone’s life.
Here’s where we really start to learn about the movie’s plot. The Gentle Giants Petting Zoo is obviously going to be a blood bath to close out the first act. 90% of the principle characters will get obliterated here when the herbivores decide they’ve had enough of this salad shit and develop a taste for human flesh. From there, the survivors will lay low in the T-Rex Kingdom. Nothing too exciting will happen there, just a tranquil pause in action while they witness the majestic creature feed. It may be disturbingly calm for some children who would rather be playing iPad games and listening to Iggy Azalea on their Beats by Dre headphones. Iggy Azalea and Beats by Dre headphones will both be in this movie.
After the T-Rex Kingdom it’s time for the Mosasaurus Feeding Show. This is going to obviously be a super fun and chill part of the movie. Just like Sea World, a guy will stand there in a wet suit and feed this enormous creature a bucket of fish and people in the blue seats will get splashed and everyone has a great time and nobody ever dies. Just like Sea World. It may be disturbingly too splashy for children in the blue seats. From there it’s on to the Creation Lab where a religious creationist dad character will be all, ‘I told you so,” to his atheist son about dinosaurs being alive at the same time as humans. His atheist son will be like, ‘UGH, DAD, JUST LET ME LISTEN TO MY BEATS BY DRE HEADPHONES, UGH.” The Jungle Trek, Aviary and Scrambler will all be cut for time but based on some major twitter buzz one of those scenes would’ve definitely had a brontosaurus dancing to ‘Get Lucky” after she accidentally bumps a Hyundai Sonata, activating the car’s stereo. It would’ve been hilarious
Bamboo Forest. You don’t need to be Sherlock Holmes to crack this case. Historically speaking, things like thick forests and deep oceans have always been safe places in Spielberg movies. Characters will probably go here for a bit and have a couple of beers and joke about what a wild day it’s been. Nothing bad or scary will happen. That’s not really Stevie’s style in these types of settings. Maybe you’d know that if you went to film school, but you wasted your life becoming a doctor so now you’re unqualified to speculate about an allegedly leaked brochure that a fan could’ve easily made in 20 minutes. Next up it’s the Golf Course and we can’t say what will happen but we can DEFINITELY say what will not happen: There is no way that a dinosaur will chase a human who is driving a golf cart. That human will not look in their rear view golf cart mirror and see a dinosaur. Zero percent chance. If that happens, we will literally be like, ‘Wow. There was no way to predict that would happen. Our bad.” Literally.
The Gyrosphere ride will be voiced by a guy who sounds A LOT like Jimmy Fallon, but it won’t be Jimmy Fallon. Jimmy Fallon is way too busy with other projects and isn’t the type of guy to just do anything with anybody. Still, the guy doing the voice for the ride will sound so much like Jimmy Fallon that the audience will really think it’s him. Just like how they’ll think the dinosaurs are real. Then everyone will go to the underwater observatory where everything will be super mellow and they’ll see some cool fish. The glass won’t break, that giant mosasaurus won’t come back into play and everyone will have a great time. Then there will be a relaxing kayak ride with no aquatic predators in sight! Just a laid back journey to the closing credits. Someone might smoke some weed they found earlier growing in the wilderness, probably out of a can of Coca-Cola or Samsung phone. They’ll get really high, think they’re a dinosaur for a second because that’s how weed in movies works, and it will be hilarious. The key to the map doesn’t give us a whole lot of clues, but it doesn’t take a genius to figure out that a fat guy character gets fully raped by a pterodactyl when the monorail breaks down on his way to the recycling center. See you at the movies in 2015!