By: Zack Poitras
Planes: Fire & Rescue starring Dane Cook is hitting theaters this Friday, and since I saw Cars five or six years ago, Funny Or Die figured I would be able to answer some important questions about the new film. Planes 2 is not a Pixar movie, but it comes from the world of Cars, in case you were wondering.
Q: I saw a new Planes movie is coming out this week and I remembered you said you saw Cars. I was curious ‘ how do Cars pick stuff up? Like if they dropped their wallet?
A: Uh, if I can remember, Cars use their front tires as hands, unless they are a tow truck, in which case they can use their hooks. I don’t think they have wallets, though ‘ I feel like favors are the only currency. Do you have any questions about Planes 2? Isn’t that what this is about?
Q: Additionally, is there a scene in Cars that shows how they reproduce? I know since it’s Disney they don’t show car penetration but do they at least show the mechanics (lol!) behind it?
A: No there’s not a scene in Cars that shows how they reproduce ‘ what are you, some sort of sicko? It’s a G movie. When they want a kid they probably just hire a mechanic car and build one together. Listen, pal, if all you want to know is how cars get off in a kids’ movie you can step off, alright?
BUT, if I had to guess, I bet car sex could be a boy car sticking an axle or rod of some sort in the lady car’s gas hole.
Q: Kinda hung up on the wheels-as-hands thing ‘ how do you pick something up with a wheel?
A: They can move the wheel like a baseball mitt ‘ no fingers but gripping ability. I don’t know, use your goddamn imagination for once in your life.
Q: Also, do they have chiropractors, Car-ropracters?
A: THIS IS NOT EVEN A QUESTION ‘ YOU JUST WANTED TO SAY CAR-ROPRACTERS. I SEE RIGHT THROUGH YOU.
Q: Do these cars have a Kelly Blue Book value?
A: A Kelly Blue Book would create a terrible society.
Q: Can they turn on the A/C if they’re hot?
A: Yes, I imagine that is their version of sweating. THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE A Q & A ABOUT THE NEW PLANES MOVIE.
Q: Do the cars have bigger cars they drive around in?
A: Don’t be an idiot.
Q: Also, what kind of porn do they watch?
A: You’re fucking disgusting. They don’t watch porn in the movie, but I GUESS if they did I bet it would be cars sticking things in gas holes. Because these cars have eyes in the windshield, and mouths in the grill, they may also have penises and vaginas in the back of the car, now that I think about it.
Q: Why do they have teeth?
A: They have teeth because we have teeth. NOT EVERYTHING NEEDS TO MAKE SENSE FOR CHRISSAKES. Maybe they eat actual food. I don’t remember. This is not going well.
Q: How would we get to where the Cars are?
A: What the hell are you talking about?
Q: What about Climate Change?
A: That’s not a problem in the Cars world ‘ what are they supposed to do, kill themselves? Jesus, it’s just a movie.
Q: Do the Herbie movies still exist in the world of Cars?
A: No, there are no humans. Herbie would be looked at as a bizarre freak because he has no eyes and people drive inside him and he doesn’t talk. THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ANYTHING.
Q: I heard in Sex Tape Cameron Diaz ‘shows everything.” Is this true?
That’s what Diaz is saying. I doubt it’s true, though, because why do that this late in your career? It’s just to drive box-office numbers in the first weekend. Wait, THIS IS A Q & A ABOUT THE NEW PLANES MOVIE.
Q: Do the cars feel pain? I don’t want them to feel pain. Sometimes the pain is just SO MUCH.
They do feel pain. It’s fine. STOP PROJECTING.
Q: Why are the eyes in the windshield and not the headlights like the car in Who Framed Roger Rabbit? Please explain.
You need to let it go. There isn’t one correct way to bring cars to life. There’s nothing wrong with the windshield eyes, and now we avoid the weird thing where the eyes would have to light up at night. It’s better, trust me.
Q: Why did my parents have to split up? Was it because I was bad?
This is not relevant at all, but I heard it was your brother’s fault. He had a piss-poor attitude.
Q: I want things to be the way they used to be. I want Roger Rabbit headlight eyes and for my dad to live at our house again. Will you help me?
Q: Ok, never mind! What’s the Cars-world equivalent of guys who love cool cars like as a hobby? Do they still just love cars or is that weird since they are cars, too?
I bet they like cool houses or birds.
After I answered that question, I was left alone in a dark room for 11 hours. The doors were locked and the only sounds I could hear through the walls were the heavy,drooling sobs of a crying man. Check out Planes: Fire & Rescue this July 18th!