By: Nate Dern

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Precautions German Politicians Are Taking In Response to U.S. Surveillance

“German politicians are considering a return to using manual typewriters for sensitive documents in the wake of the US surveillance scandal.”
The Guardian 7/15/2015

Additional precautionary measures include:

  • Germany’s hunky World Cup goalkeeper Manuel Neuer will personally hand off typewritten notes between top officials
  • Admittance to government buildings will stop using electronic ID badges and instead just have intimidating bouncer at the door asking “What’s the password?” (hint: will probably be “schnitzel”)
  • Each intergovernmental memo will be written and recorded as a song by German club house music group HDstylez!, since even the NSA will find German club house music to be unlistenable
  • Phones to be replaced by system of cans and wires, although due to German engineering it will still be an incredibly reliable and efficient telephony system
  • Email to be replaced by system of secret handshakes; for example, fist bump followed by a high five means “Can we reschedule our 2 o’clock lunch meeting?”
  • Will still show confidential documents to CIA, but only if they promise to “be cool” this time
  • German Chancellor Angela Merkel promises that the one thing Germany will not change in response to the US surveillance scandal is their world famous sense of humor (unclear if this was a joke or not)

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