By: Nate Dern

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Governor Rick Scott Responds to the Rumor that He Is a Scientist

When asked about climate change at a recent press conference, Florida governor Rick Scott evaded answering, simply stating, “I’m not a scientist.” As you’ll see below, Scott has finally come clean.

To The Citizens Of The Great State Of Florida,

When asked about climate change at a press conference in Miami earlier this week, I responded by saying, “I’m not a scientist.” But the truth is, I am a scientist. I always have been and always will be. And yes, this confession is precipitated by the fact that late last night I was caught doing science in an airport bathroom stall.

The signs were there since childhood. My parents suspected something after I crafted a barometer out of a mason jar and a cut up balloon for the school science fair, and that summer they sent me to a camp meant to get young boys to do non-scientific activities like “play ball.” But it was at that very camp that I first experimented with my best friend Kyle. We stole some vinegar and baking soda from the kitchen, snuck out into the woods, and then simulated a volcanic eruption.

As many of you know, I was in the Navy. But what you might not know is that I served in active duty aboard the USS Glover as a radar man. Radar is an object-detection system that uses radio waves to determine the range, altitude, direction, and speed of nearby objects. Guess what? Radar don’t run on belief. Radar is a whole bunch of science.

I see now that it was wrong of me to deny that I was a scientist all these years. To my fellow Floridians, I apologize for my deception but not for who I am. To my God, I would apologize to you if I believed in you, which I of course do not. And to my family, I can only pray (metaphorically) that you will use the tool of deductive reasoning which I instilled in you in order to one day understand why I behaved like I did.

Since it has become clear to me that politics is no place for a scientist after all, I hereby officially resign from my position of governor. It has been an honor, but to my own self I must be true.

Governor Rick Scott

P.S. – I am grateful that you all didn’t make a big deal about the loads of gay stuff I was doing on the side.

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