By: Michael Kayne

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Current Events With Someone Who Only Knows as Much as You: Israel-Palestine

By Josh Something-or-other who dates your work friend’s roommate and has cornered you at an acquaintance’s birthday party

Hey, what’s up, man? It’s Josh. We met at the thing at Bobby’s place. Yeah. You have any of that hummus? It’s good.

Hey, yeah, so you read about Gaza? It’s pretty crazy, right? Yeah. Mmmmmmmm this hummus is good. I have a whole plate, so just grab some if you want.

Yeah. Been reading a lot about it. You know, the thing is that there have been a lot of deaths on the Palestine side, and almost none on the Israeli side, so, I mean, I don’t want to get all political, but, you know. You can kind of draw your own conclusion.

I think there are croutons in this hummus. Not kidding, brah. Get some.

Yeah, but on the other hand, Israel has been trying to avoid civilian casualties by warning civilians of missile strikes. So, you know. Hamas (that’s the Palestinian guys) is just, like, chucking rockets into Israel. And it seems like they’re having basically zero tactical effect, other than keeping Israel in a constant state of vigilance and forcing retaliation from Israel. Like, it’s almost like Hamas wants Israel to attack Gaza so Hamas can be, like, oh shit! we need more missiles! so that everyone in Gaza will be united in their hatred of Israel or whatever? I dunno, man. And then maybe they’ll also receive aid from other governments that view Israel as an antagonist? I mean, whoa.

Weird that ‘Hamas” sounds like ‘hummus,” right? Especially since hummus is from over there, I think? This is maybe a stupid question, but does Hamas make hummus? Yeah, I don’t know either. I’ll google it. Either way, scoop some of this hummus, brobro. I’m out of cauliflower, but you can just scoop it with your thumb. It’s cool, man.

But then it’s like, Israel is so militarily superior that it’s almost like the onus is on them to strike Gaza in ways that result in the least collateral damage, you know? Like, they should be able to strike with enough precision as to never have civilian casualties, right? But then it’s like, maybe Hamas could do more to protect its own people, so who’s at fault there? I don’t know.

Yeah, looks like Hamas and hummus are not related. Weird coincidence, though, right?

I think it’s like Game Of Thrones, you know? Where it’s like who’s the good guy and who’s the bad guy? And Israel is the Lannisters, or ‘no Israel is the lady with the dragons. I haven’t seen all the episodes, but I think that’s kind of right. Israel is the biggest house, so everyone is trying to take them down, but especially one other house, and whatever one that is would be Hamas. It’s just like really bloody on all sides, I think.

Yeah, I mean, when you trace it back, it’s like, Israel wasn’t even a country, and then it’s a country and all the people who live there got displaced. Then again, you sort of have to have Israel, right? Because of Hitler. So ‘.yeah.

Whoa, I think there’s something crawling out of this hummus. A bug? Ew. Oh. Two bugs. Gross. I probably ate like ten bugs. Fuck.

Ugh. Yeah, it’s basically impossible to achieve moral clarity on the issues over there because the conflicts are so nuanced and multi-layered. But if I had to pick a side, I would probably pick Palestine, just because it feels like they’re the underdog, you know? Or maybe, actually, Israel. It’s a toughie. But yeah, I think Israel, now that I’m saying it out loud. Lots of people have really strong opinions on it, so I’m trying to have one too, you know?

Oof. I think this hummus is kinda giving me the poops. I’m actually not feeling great. It’s good though. Try some. Just scoop out the bugs, I would say.

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