By: Matt Klinman
Gaza and Ukraine: Why This Land Is Worth Killing For
To an outside observer the conflicts that boiled over last week in Gaza and the disputed area of Donestk, Ukraine, may seem absurd. An ignorant person may even ask, ‘How can it be justified for human lives to be lost just so that other humans can have some piece of land? Land is too stupid to even be able to think.” But, upon learning the facts, any reasonable person will realize that land is always more valuable than any living human. Let’s take a reminder look at what makes land worth so much more than a human life.
Gaza |
Ukraine |
|---|---|
 Sand
Much of the disputed Gaza Strip is made up of sand. Sand, though unable to love and invent, is ultimately better than people because of quantity over quality. Sand is made up of millions of tiny rocks whereas a person is only made up of one person. If someone asked you if you would like one of something or a million of something and all you had to do was kill a person, you would pick a million of something every time; it’s more bang for your buck and that’s just common sense. Plus, sand can be melted into a glass bong! Try to do that with a living human. Gaza Sand’s Estimated Worth In Human Lives: 200,000 humans per square yard |
 Coal
Land around Donestk is well known for its coal deposits. While humans often find coal valuable for its ability to burn, this is something only worth-less-than-land humans care about and barely scratches the surface of coal’s true better-than-human value. Coal is unique among land types because of what happens when you do scratch that surface: it can make black smudge. Black smudge creation is a priceless intrinsic property of coal that humans just don’t have. Go ahead, try to make a black smudge. You can’t, can you? The most (living) humans can do is lick something, but the smudges our tongues make are, at best, clear. Even if you cut yourself open and smudge with your blood it’s not going to be that deep, satisfying black smudge that coal gives you. Donestk’s black-smudge-rich coal is simply better than people. Donestk Coal Estimated Worth In Human Lives: 30,000 humans per square yard |
 Wetlands
Gaza has many beautiful wetlands, areas that are especially worth killing humans over because they are where land gets wet – a very special state of being for land. Wetlands are better than humans because they are home to birds. No human is home to birds. Even in the case of a Park Pigeon Freak, it is commonly understood those pigeons are just squatting until they get their shit together and build a nest. Meanwhile, a human sized parcel of wetland can be home to up to four bird-sized birds. Homes to birds are very valuable because they are where birds belong and believing someone belongs somewhere is a very real and not stupid concept that is always worth killing others for. Wetland is the bird homeland and if human blood must be spilled to defend it then that makes sense because wetland is worth more than humans. Gaza Wetlands Estimated Worth In Human Lives: 300,000 humans per square yard |
 Land Beneath The Land
It’s not just the land we see that is worth more than the lives of all the people on Malaysian Flight 17 (and the lives of the people they may have saved/created in the future) there’s also the land UNDER the land. Like land in most places on Earth, the land in Donestk goes all the way down to the Earth’s core. Without this ‘underland” people and non-bird animals would just be falling right through the earth! So until humans start stacking one on top of another all the way from the core to the crust, this land will continue to be worth the destruction of innumerable souls. Land From Surface To Core In Donesk Estimated Worth In Human Lives: 1 Million humans per square yard |
 Dirt
Not to be confused with sand, except in relation to how much more than a human life it is worth, dirt is generally considered the worst kind of land. But even the worst land is far more valuable than the best person. This is because dirt lasts forever, cannot be destroyed, and any attempt to pummel or blow up dirt will just result in more dirt. If you met an alien creature with the same immortal properties as dirt, you would revere it as a G-d, such is how dirt should be treated. The murder of Desmond Tutu or Meryl Streep would be justified if it came to light that it was over a baggie-ful of G-d-like Standard Dirt. Dirt Estimated Worth In Human Lives: 500 humans per square yard |
 Soil
The soil contained in the land the pro-Russian rebels are fighting for in Ukraine is well worth the number of lives lost trying to claim it. This is because soil is able to stay still and allow plants to grow in it, something living humans simply can’t do. No amount of graduate degrees or unpaid internships can prepare a human to physically nourish and hold still a plant long enough for it to grow. This is an invaluable skill that only soil possesses. However, dead humans CAN help fertilize soil, allowing more plants to grow in it. This is actually a case where the more humans die for this soil, the more valuable the land here will become (as long as the dead are kept in the soil – stop messing with those bodies, rebels!). Therefore, it is impossible to calculate the amount soil is worth because its value compounds exponentially the more dead humans are paid for it. Soil Estimated Worth In Human Lives: Infinite |
Gaza
Much of the disputed Gaza Strip is made up of sand. Sand, though unable to love and invent, is ultimately better than people because of quantity over quality. Sand is made up of millions of tiny rocks whereas a person is only made up of one person. If someone asked you if you would like one of something or a million of something and all you had to do was kill a person, you would pick a million of something every time; it’s more bang for your buck and that’s just common sense. Plus, sand can be melted into a glass bong! Try to do that with a living human.
Gaza Sand’s Estimated Worth In Human Lives: 200,000 humans per square yard
Gaza has many beautiful wetlands, areas that are especially worth killing humans over because they are where land gets wet – a very special state of being for land. Wetlands are better than humans because they are home to birds. No human is home to birds. Even in the case of a Park Pigeon Freak, it is commonly understood those pigeons are just squatting until they get their shit together and build a nest. Meanwhile, a human sized parcel of wetland can be home to up to four bird-sized birds. Homes to birds are very valuable because they are where birds belong and believing someone belongs somewhere is a very real and not stupid concept that is always worth killing others for. Wetland is the bird homeland and if human blood must be spilled to defend it then that makes sense because wetland is worth more than humans.
Gaza Wetlands Estimated Worth In Human Lives: 300,000 humans per square yard
Not to be confused with sand, except in relation to how much more than a human life it is worth, dirt is generally considered the worst kind of land. But even the worst land is far more valuable than the best person. This is because dirt lasts forever, cannot be destroyed, and any attempt to pummel or blow up dirt will just result in more dirt. If you met an alien creature with the same immortal properties as dirt, you would revere it as a G-d, such is how dirt should be treated. The murder of Desmond Tutu or Meryl Streep would be justified if it came to light that it was over a baggie-ful of G-d-like Standard Dirt.
Dirt Estimated Worth In Human Lives: 500 humans per square yard
Donestk, Ukraine
Land around Donestk is well known for its coal deposits. While humans often find coal valuable for its ability to burn, this is something only worth-less-than-land humans care about and barely scratches the surface of coal’s true better-than-human value. Coal is unique among land types because of what happens when you do scratch that surface: it can make black smudge. Black smudge creation is a priceless intrinsic property of coal that humans just don’t have. Go ahead, try to make a black smudge. You can’t, can you? The most (living) humans can do is lick something, but the smudges our tongues make are, at best, clear. Even if you cut yourself open and smudge with your blood it’s not going to be that deep, satisfying black smudge that coal gives you. Donestk’s black-smudge-rich coal is simply better than people.
Donestk Coal Estimated Worth In Human Lives: 30,000 humans per square yard
It’s not just the land we see that is worth more than the lives of all the people on Malaysian Flight 17 (and the lives of the people they may have saved/created in the future) there’s also the land UNDER the land. Like land in most places on Earth, the land in Donestk goes all the way down to the Earth’s core. Without this ‘underland” people and non-bird animals would just be falling right through the earth! So until humans start stacking one on top of another all the way from the core to the crust, this land will continue to be worth the destruction of innumerable souls.
Land From Surface To Core In Donesk Estimated Worth In Human Lives: 1 Million humans per square yard
The soil contained in the land the pro-Russian rebels are fighting for in Ukraine is well worth the number of lives lost trying to claim it. This is because soil is able to stay still and allow plants to grow in it, something living humans simply can’t do. No amount of graduate degrees or unpaid internships can prepare a human to physically nourish and hold still a plant long enough for it to grow. This is an invaluable skill that only soil possesses. However, dead humans CAN help fertilize soil, allowing more plants to grow in it. This is actually a case where the more humans die for this soil, the more valuable the land here will become (as long as the dead are kept in the soil – stop messing with those bodies, rebels!). Therefore, it is impossible to calculate the amount soil is worth because its value compounds exponentially the more dead humans are paid for it.
Soil Estimated Worth In Human Lives: Infinite
