By: Cirocco Dunlap

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Senator John Walsh’s Statement Denying Plagiarism Accusation

It was recently discovered that Senator John Walsh plagiarized large portions of his master’s thesis. He released the following statement denying it.

As a U.S. Senator of Montana, the first thing I’d like to say about this whole plagiarism scandal, is that my name is Katniss Everdeen. I am 17 years old. My home is District 12. I was in the Hunger Games. I escaped. The Capitol hates me.

And though plagiarism is an emotional accusation for me, I ask myself what I always ask in times of confusion: If Edward was a vampire ‘ I could hardly make myself think the words ‘ then what should I do?

It has been hard on me and my family. My wife asked me the other day, “I see a little silhouetto of a man, Scaramouche, Scaramouche, will you do the Fandango? Thunderbolt and lightning, very, very frightening me.”

“Because I’m 50 shades of fucked up, Anastasia,” I responded.

In spite of these fears, I continue to abide by the words of my mother: “I am the one who knocks.”

This accusation is unfounded, and it is not true. I’d like to leave you all with a reminder that I have served this country in good faith as a Senator of Montana, a military leader, and the Headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

Thank you for being a friend, and good night moon.

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