The Surprising Purchases that Are Saving America’s Economy

Economists were surprised this week at the news that the U.S. economy is now growing at an annual rate of 4%, significantly higher than they predicted. Here are a few of this year’s unexpected consumer buying trends that have been surprising economists and spurring our economic recovery.

• New hoses. Turns out everyone needed a new hose this summer.
• Parents across the nation paying for drugs to stop their children from singing Frozen’s ‘Let it Go.”
• Surge in moms losing the sweaters they meant to return to Nordstrom.
• Increase in people opting to pay extra for guacamole on their burrito as they whisper to themselves, ‘I deserve this ‘”
• Popularity of ‘Masters of Sex’ leading to lines around the block outside stores selling sex.
• The last of those ‘1,000 Free Hours of AOL’ CDs have finally been used up, forcing many Americans to pay for the internet for the first time.
• Some dude at my bodega picked up a tall boy yesterday. So that’s $1.99 right there.
• Fingerless-glove buyers finally buying the individual finger attachments.
• Millions of Americans forgetting to cancel their free trial of Audible.com.
• Dads finally cashing in change at Coinstar despite insistence that 10 cents for every dollar is ‘a fucking robbery.”
• Big tables are back in a big way.
• Look, I’m just saying we didn’t hear any reports like this BEFORE Starbucks had a line of Oprah chai tea.
• In addition to ‘pajama tops” and ‘pajama bottoms,” trend in consumers opting to sleep in ‘pajama sombreros.”
• It’s getting harder to tell if the milk is spoiled so people are just buying an extra one to be safe.
• Maybe the price of stamps went up and we didn’t notice.
• Two guys in Fremont, California, got rich and ‘ as they told themselves they would ‘ finally paid for the thousands and thousands of movies, music, and TV shows they had illegally streamed over the years.
• Pharell’s contribution alone accounted for 2% of the increase, having spent $5 billion on one giant hat.
• The Offspring played a couple of free shows down by the pier earlier this summer ‘ guess that wouldn’t have done anything but still, they were solid shows.
• Some chick in my neighborhood is showing people her tits for a dollar