If ‘The Parent Trap’ Happened In Real Life

The twins, Susan and Sharon, have just surprised their divorced parents with the news they’ve secretly swapped places and tricked them into meeting for the first time in 12 years.

MOM/DAD: YOU DID WHAT?!
SUSAN: We swapped places!
SHARON: So kooky, right?!
MOM/DAD: YOU DID WHAT?!
SHARON: Swapped ‘ places?
MOM: Ummm, that is a REALLY fucked up thing to do.
SUSAN: We wanted you to get back together!
DAD: You realize your mother and I got divorced, right? Divorced means we do not want to be together anymore.
SHARON: But you haven’t seen each other in years!
DAD: THAT’S WHAT A DIVORCE IS, SUSAN!
SHARON: I’m Sharon.
DAD: YOU’RE Sharon?! Wait a minute! You’ve been living in MY house, under MY roof, pretending to me MY daughter?!
SHARON: I AM your daughter!
DAD: But you’re not the one I wanted! I kept Susan for a reason! I’ve had a complete stranger living in my house for months?! Summer camp ended in August!
MOM: Did you, for even a second, consider the consequences of your actions?
SHARON: We just ‘
MOM: You just WHAT, Sharon?! Or Susan! Who fucking knows with you two.
DAD: Getting divorced was a decision the two of us came to AS ADULTS.
MOM: You girls are 13 years old. What do you know about life?!
DAD: In the past 12 years, have I given you ANY indication that I missed your mother?! Or your sister for that matter?
MOM: SAME QUESTION, SHARON!
SUSAN/SHARON: No ‘
DAD: And did you ever stop to think that if the two of us were willing to completely sever all ties, there was a maybe good reason for it?
SUSAN: We didn’t.
MOM: Of course you didn’t! You’re children!
SHARON: Well are you going to get remarried?
MOM: Remarried?! You seriously thought all it would take was getting us in a room? We don’t take the decision to get divorced lightly.
DAD: I sucked a guy’s dick, girls.
SUSAN: Oh my God.
SHARON: We didn’t know that.
MOM: Of course you didn’t! Because that’s an adult thing that you don’t share with children!
DAD: It’s your own fault that you know this now. Because you decided to meddle.
MOM: Jesus Christ, don’t even tell me Sylvie’s here, too.
SHARON: Who’s Sylvie?
DAD: Your other sister.
SUSAN/SHARON: WE’RE TRIPLETS?!
MOM: Oh were you unaware?! The Girls Who Know Everything suddenly don’t know everything?!
SUSAN: Well, where is she?
MOM: When your father and I divorced ‘ you know, that grown-up decision we came to as grown ups and never asked either of your opinions on ‘ when your father and I got divorced I got Sharon, your father got you, and Sylvie went with ‘ oh my Jesus Christ.
DAD: Wait ‘ did neither of us ‘ oh fuck.
MOM: OK, well, clearly you girls have caused enough trouble for one day. Mitch, I’m sorry you had to come to California.
DAD: It’s fine. Goodbye, Maggie.
SUSAN: So you two aren’t getting back together?
DAD: What part of I SUCKED A GUY’S DICK did you not understand, Susan?!

(beat)

DAD: THE COURTHOUSE!
MOM: Yes! That’s where we left Sylvie! The courthouse!
DAD: Oh well, she’s definitely gotta be dead by now.